Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012) - Movie Review

Deep in the Antarctic, a research team is drilling for minerals are abducted by masked troopers. They learn that deep in the bowels of the cold continent, since the end of WWII the Nazis have been operating science experiments, extending their age and cheating death so they may once again lead the Third Reich to world domination, and their new captives have become their next test subjects.

When I first heard of this movie, I was definitely intrigued. Unfortunately, the opening credits revealed that The Asylum produced this film, thus all hopes of being entertained in any form went straight out the window. The Asylum is the cheap bastards responsible for pathetic, second hand knockoffs of blockbusters such as Transmorphers and Snakes on a Train. Continuing with tradition and a well established poor reputation, Nazis at the Cener of the Earth was a groaning bore. What was surprising was the minimal attempt at originality, and they actually had a D-list star appearing with Jake Busey. That’s a big step forward for them. Even Joseph J. Lawson’s directing was adequate enough to give the movie a nicely budgeted feel, but the script and acting were both uninspired and lazy.

If this movie had been made in the late fifties or sixties, I might give it a pass. I might have actually even enjoyed it, but it’s made a by a movie studio that has no shame in producing crap for the sake of making crap. There are no redeeming qualities about this movie. Please, skip it. 

A Declaration of Love for True Faith

Cruising around these past few days, I’ve had the pleasure of catching one of my all-time favorite songs on the radio not once but twice. The general public would argue that’s what’s wrong with the radio; they talk too much and regurgitate the same tunes all day every day. Meanwhile, they worship their satellite and internet radio which do the exact same thing. However, I like to flip through the stations when I’m in the midst of changing discs or folders on my mp3.

New Order’s True Faith means a lot to me, which makes it no surprise that it’s most recent claim to fame is for being associated with murderer and potential serial killer LukeMagnotta, and was also featured on the American Psycho movie soundtrack. The song and I are also alike because we are one of a kind. True Faith never appeared on any of New Order’s traditional albums; it was a bonus track for their Substance 1987 singles collection.  

My love for New Order in general goes back to “when I was a very small boy,” riding in the car, ignoring my mother’s morning consternation and finding unlimited joy when either True Faith or Blue Monday would begin playing. At first, I confused the two; but as I memorized the lyrics and understood what beats and melodies were, as good as Blue Monday is, True Faith will be played at my funeral party. It is a song that can be danced to. It can establish a setting’s mood. It’s one hell of a song to fight to, and as dictated before, serial killers seem to like it.

The disposition instantly livens when I hear that marching beat setting up the intro for the bass synthesizers grooving beat followed by the ghosting melody and tubular bells. Of course, being only six or seven years old at the time, the lyrics were only words, but I liked the words. In fact, the band was surprised and sometimes concerned because True Faith was a hit with children and was often used in kids’ programming in spite of the subject matter, which was what every other 80’s song was about – a massive consumption of drugs. The song never led me to try any, I had family for that.

True Faith is a near-perfectly composed song. It’s just the right length, yet when it’s over, I’m anxious to hear it again, and again, and again. If I hear it once, I must hear it at minimum once more; usually twice. The vocal melody soars on its own, it can linger around your head all day; you’ll be humming it at lunch, after lunch on the toilet, and at night brushing your teeth before bed. It used to remind me of my childhood, but now it reminds me of the good life I have, and a few good drugs I’ve done, but most importantly I want to live so I can continue hearing it for a very long time.

A Reasonable Riske - Full Story

My 4 chapter serial A Reasonable Risk is complete. Enjoy, or don't. I don't care.

Queen of Blood (1966) - Movie Review

In the year 1990, mankind has conquered space exploration, able to travel to the deepest depths of the galaxy. In doing so, a space exploration unit receives a distress call from an alien ship that has crash landed on Mars. A group of explorers is sent to investigate the crash and retrieve any survivors. They find only one, a green-skinned woman struggling for her life. They attempt to feed her, but she ignores all offerings. Soon, crew members begin dying one by one, drained of their blood and the only explanation is that their alien guest has a taste for blood.

The makeup and costumes practically steal the show in this low budget feature. They are so over the top, beautifully bizarre, and along with the hyped up techni-color and chiseled features making the actors and actresses look like puppets, the visual tone of the movie look like a life sized Thunderbirds movie. The extravagant space scenes weren’t even filmed in this movie, they were taken from a couple of largely funded Soviet films from previous years.  

Notable names include John Saxon (Enter the Dragon), Basil Rathbone (the definitive Sherlock Holmes), and a young Dennis Hopper. Florence Marly plays the Blood Queen, providing a spooky performance with one particular close up shot that will haunt you if you stare too long.

TV and movie veteran Curtis Harrington wrote and directed Queen of Blood, having previously directed Dennis Hopper in the moody, atmospheric black and white horror film Night Tide, as well as other fright features What’s the Matter with Helen?  and Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (a tv movie I saw as a little boy during a summer horror fest).

If you enjoy campiness or horror and sci-fi films from the ‘50’s and ‘60’s like I do, you’ll probably get a kick out of Queen of Blood, but if you’re so anal that you need to take every movie you see deadly serious and have no appreciation for the past, skip it and let other people have their fun. 

A Reasonable Risk - A Short Story Serial

Here is a link to where you can find my short story comedy romance - A Reasonable Risk

Return to Euphoria - Leg Days

Little it be known on this blog, but I love being active. I workout between five and six days a week; on the days that I can't make it to the gym I walk and jog for a minimum of one hour,  and not the tourist trap, lazy paced walk. I apply some serious effort.

I like to use Crossfit in my workouts. I can't do everything they do because I lack some of the equipment so I modify as needed. What I won't modify is the intensity. There is only one speed - FULL. Today's leg workout was one of the best I've had in months. I was forced to max out seven times. This was today's theme song. When I was done, I was completely drained. I was dizzy, I could walk only far enough to collapse on a bench and nearly passed out. I was elated.

When I first started taking weight training seriously, I used the bodybuilder's methods and I got great results, but what really intrigued me was the euphoria I felt once my session was done. My sugar would drop radically; I needed to keep a bottle of grape juice handy at all times so at the end I could drink it and make my way home. But there were times when I didn't have it and I felt incapacitated. Luckily, back then a good friend of mine was the owner of the gym I frequented. He would let me pass out on the floor and check on me twenty to thirty minutes later.

The more I committed myself to these extremes, the more tolerant my body and muscles became. My body wouldn't go into shock anymore. I would get frustrated - Why? Why am I not wigging out anymore? I rearranged my workouts like you're supposed to, but I couldn't get that euphoric feeling again, except when I did wind sprints.  

Fifteen years later, I didn't want to be a bodybuilder anymore, but I didn't want to lose my athleticism. So, I became a regular weightlifter. I started incorporating plyometrics, training with mixed martial artists, and now I've adapted Crossfit into everything. I'm getting that exalted feeling back. Of course, to gain maximum results, eating properly is required; and it's not a diet. Diet is a bad word. You're just eating well, you're eating healthy. I get all the more excited for cheat day, and by cheat day I don't mean gorge yourself stupid.

Now, I get to sit back and wait for the soreness to kick in, which is the only regrettable factor of an intense workout, particularly your legs when it's time to use the bathroom.

One Person's Kindness is Another Person's Bloodbath

I choose not to have many friends. Life is what you make it, and I want nothing to do with popularity, least of all fame. If I get famous, it’s going to be for something extremely violent before it’s for something I wrote.

I despise when meatbags with some semblance of brains unleash camera phones to take a picture of the same fucking people they see everyday in the same dank, ghetto pisshole they drink at every week. You can’t remember who your friends are or where you hang out? It’s ridiculous. It’s an action of the mentally impaired and the absolute retarded.

I seem like a cross person – at heart I’m not, but I do have my comfort zone. Being in public is far from my comfort zone. In fact being in public is an active declaration on my war zone because a lot of camera phone happy, mentally impaired people like poking at my war zone. I can get along with just about anyone. If not, I can sure as hell fake it well, but what most associates and friends don’t know is that I can sculpt my words and phrases in such a way that I never have to lay a hand on them to feel a pain unlike any they have ever felt before. I can bring a person to tears at will be it tears of rage or tears of sadness. It's a gift. I've had it all my life but rarely use it because, again, I get along with just about anyone. But I can be one mean bastard if I need to be; if I want to be.

Some of you; oh, I really want to be.    

I'm no stranger to beatings, giving or taking, mental or physical. I've gone through it all, I've been called everything under the sun, below every rock, and every animals ass. 

You want to celebrate life; you tell others to appreciate life. Shove it up your ass, you vinyl sniffing, fashion blunder, bat-shit smoking fuck. You are the last person to be telling anyone to enjoy life when you squander opportunities that other people would die for. I wanna take that glass of overpriced swill you toast with that makes you feel like your life has any purpose and shove it through your fucking eye and break the tip so I can jab that in your other eye. And then I want to chomp on your jaw and tear it off your face so your hipster mouth twat fuck friends can honestly say that for once somebody left you speechless. 

But at heart, I'm really a nice guy. You've just gotta get to know me.

Safe (2012) - An Observation

I got my Jason Statham fix with Safe. I liked it a lot. I'll rank it much higher than The Mechanic remake. Boaz Yakin (Fresh, Remember the Titans) was behind the director and screenwriter. He provided some fun camera and choreography tricks that made a typically formulaic Statham flick more enjoyable. I was very appreciative that you could actually see the action and not have to tolerate this shaky cam nonsense that is ruining Hollyweird's action flicks. 

Another aspect I liked was that since the majority of Statham's characters are one dimensional, you didn't get his entire story up front. The further along the movie goes the more you find out his character's history and how he is capable of doing what he does, considering his social status.

Great action, good direction, the kid is cute as hell, especially when she tries shooting a gun. James Hong comes out (Big Trouble in Litlle China, Kung Fu Panda). You know the dude rocks. He gets to play a villain again, which is even cooler. Reggie Lee (Tropic Thunder) plays Hong's right hand baddy Quan Chang and is an actor that I hope gets more work even though he'll suffer from typecasting, but the guy's got serious range. Unfortunately, every time he appeared on screen I couldn't stop thinking about his line in Tropic Thunder, "We are Flaming Dragon!" He does have a miniscule role in Crazy, Stupid, Love (great movie) as a patrol cop.

Safe was much better than I'd hoped. I'd love it if Yakin and Statham worked together again, they meshed really well; and Statham looks ridiculous wearing a beanie. That bowling ball dome of his looks like its agonizing those threads. No more beanies. Go watch Safe.

The Black Cat (1989) - Movie Review

The Black Cat was written and directed by Luigi Cozzi. In Italy, the movie was marketed as Demons 6: De Profundis yet the only link to Lamberto Bava’s original or the sequels are that the husband/director in the film Marc is played by Urbano Barberini, the leading man in the original Demons. It also tries to get away with being treated as the third installment in Dario Argento’s Mother of Tears trilogy, which again it is not. It does, however, get away with plot elements similar to Suspiria. They even try dragging Edgar Allen Poe's The Black Cat into the mix. 

The story follows an actress and her director husband. They are in production on a film based off the book Suspiria de Profundis – the same book Argento based his Suspiria film on. This is even mentioned in the movie along with his Mother of Tears concept. The director believes that the book contained enough material for dozens of inspirations and spinoffs.

In actuality, Suspiria de Profundis is a collection of psychological fantasy written in 1845 by Thomas de Quincey, a popular English essayist.

Marc decides to focus on making a film centering on the witch Levana. While pre-production begins, Anne and her husband Marc the director are in the midst of a marital dispute and Marc has wasted no time in bedding another actress Nora, who may wind up getting the lead role instead of Anne. The production of the film causes the witch Levana to come to life. She soon begins possessing people on the set and the bloodbath begins.

The gore factor is excellent - plenty of cringe-worthy kills, gallons of blood, and entrails tossed all around. Levana’s appearance is blisteringly grotesque. The acting is not to be praised. It’s flat out bad, but you really don’t notice because the audience will spend the majority of the time asking WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! You don’t know. There are no explanations. Stuff just happens.

Other saving graces aside from the violence are the film’s atmosphere and (for me) music. Something Cozzi did well. The color schemes he uses blend well with the mood, delivering a chilling setting. The camera work is even reminiscent of Lamberto Bava, using shock-zoom features. The music is full of 80’s hair bands such as Bang Tango and White Lion, blasting out the running riffs found in many of Dario Argento’s movies; and if they didn’t steal some of Suspiria’s music themes, they sure as heck borrowed some.

The Black Cat feels like a tribute wrapped in blasphemous thievery. It is good to look at, but don’t bother trying to make sense of any of it or you’ll wind up naked at the train station slapping yourself in the face with your own saliva which you’ve gathered freshly in a bowl. If you interpret the movie as a dream, you’ll save yourself some headache. It worked for Lovecraft. 

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In the Spider's Web (2007) - Movie Review

 American tourists hiking in India seek out a reclusive American doctor after one of them is bitten by a poisonous spider. Dr. Lecorpus and his facially deformed brother have been residing with a native tribe that worships spiders. While he attends to the injured tourist the rest of the group ventures into an ancient temple where they find discover Dr. Lecorpus’ terrible secret.

In the Spider’s Web is a Sci Fi original movie (before they changed it to SyFy so the network could get away with showing non-sci-fi material) filmed in the majestic fake jungle dubbed India constructed inside some California studio back lot. Aside from Lance Henriksen, there’s no one recognizable in this movie. It is not scary, it is not suspenseful; the special effects will get a chuckle out of you. The oversized spider webs look like paste-layered bed sheets. What I did find slightly charming about it was that it felt like a throwback to the fifties science fiction era in terms of story and effects, so if you’r an unimaginative, unappreciative movie watcher – a) you probably watch movies on your iPod; b) feel free to skip this movie all together. Now, if you need a good laugh or some entertaining background noise while cleaning or cooking around the house, I’d totally recommend it.