A Spoiler-Heavy Rant about Zombieland

...so, spoiler alert for all overly-uptight uptight movie quacks.

I’ve never felt the same thrill out of the movie Zombieland that the majority of the general movie-loving population did, or even the basic liking that most horror enthusiasts welcomed.

Granted, it’s not a terrible film, far from it really – in fact most of it is enjoyable if you are willing to accept the fact that despite a cross country zombie epidemic, human beings are still the dumbest creatures on planet Earth, and I will not accept the excuse “I need to shut my brain off to enjoy it,” because the basic practical error executed within betrays not only basic intelligence and common sense, a constipated chimpanzee wouldn’t be dumb enough to do what a couple of these characters did.

The ultimate stupidity, unfortunately, lies with the two young ladies, Wichita and Little Rock, whom throughout the majority of the movie seem to be the smartest of the travelling quartet. Tallahassee is a truly likeable badass thanks to Woody Harrelson, while Columbus could’ve been played by any of the current popular film geeks who all seem to share the basic DNA of Michael Cera who this time was portrayed by Jesse Eisenberg. Switch them out in the middle of the flick, I couldn’t tell the difference and couldn’t give a mouse’s pubes if he ever made it to Ohio.

During the rising action setting up the climax, the four decide to split into pairs going their separate ways. In the middle of the movie, Wichita and Little Rock express their manifest destiny of settling at an amusement park, which already through me off for reasons I hope would be obvious to most reasonable individuals because remember, they are still trying to avoid contact with zombies.

 They arrive at that amusement park, partially armed with sufficient weaponry for battling a handful of the undead, and what do they do? In order to be at peace and zombie-free they choose to power up the entire amusement park – ALL of the lights, ALL of the rides – and partake in the typical fun one looks for at an amusement park. However, it never seemed to occur to these brilliant females that the loud noises and bright lights MIGHT…just MIGHT…attract, oh, I don’t know, perhaps a zombie or two, because it does. In fact, it attracts what I imagine to be every zombie within a two mile radius – several dozen to be specific. The zombies invade the park – who knew they were fans of rollercoasters and cotton candy, I thought they preferred human flesh?

Fucking idiots!

I’m willing to bow down, occasionally, to the humorous whims of reality-defying Hollywood – I still enjoy Armageddon from time to time, and when dealing with horror movies on a regular basis it’s almost instinct, but igniting the largest flashing beacon for all mobile, flesh-eating creatures to see and beckon to is just too ridiculous even for me, and I liked the movie Strange Wilderness.

Fucking idiots!