Shut This Off! A Warning to Entertainment Politics Rookies

I'm tired of movie reviewers suggesting that people "shut their brains off" when they watch a certain film if they want to enjoy it. What kind of cop-out is that? Just say it - The movie sucks! Because, gawd forbid I piss and shit all over myself while watching any overrated Shrek film because I had to "shut my brain off," in order to enjoy it. Then, all that makes me is the guy that peed and soiled his pants during the overrated Shrek film.

I could easily urinate and defecate myself while watching the Transformers movies, but that's only because they are so mind-numbingly stupid, they cause a glitch in your synaptic gap, ceasing control over your bodily functions, but I know exactly when to piss because sometimes I can't go in the bathroom, but all I have to do is think about Megan Fox - not because I want to have sex with her, I'd just like to piss on her - and Diablo Cody - and Ellen Page - and Stephanie Meyers. Again, please note: I do not want to have sex with these women. I just want to give'em a good ole frustration urination bath. And when I have trouble removing a hefty, bowel biscuit from my intestines, I just think of good old Shia and all the films he's helped turn to crap and everything he has not accomplished to become so successful.

Tell me to shut my brain off again; I'll gladly do it standing over your keyboard bludgeoned, unconscious, pathetic excuse for a writer's body while I think long and hard about those Transformers movies after I've eaten the entire left-side of Taco Bell's menu and spent three hours tossing back liquor with an Irish soccer team.

Assassins - Movie Review

Assassins takes us into the post-Cold War era of the arms race where there are too many weapons floating around and more than enough mercenaries and private militias willing to acquire them and use them for their own personal, which usually also means “financial” gains. The only person that seems to want out of the business is the best militia-artist of them all – Robert Rath (Sylvester Stallone; Rocky, Copland)


Robert Rath is tired of the killing trade and is looking for a way out; of course, in a business where secrecy is not just something upheld; it is something as common as the sky being blue, and Rath is involved in a business from which no one can just walk away.

Rath’s employers then hire Miguel Bain (Antonio Banderas; Mambo Kings, Original Sin) – a student of the assassination creed and a personal fan of Robert Rath. He is assigned a dream job – eliminate the top killer and become number one in the business.

Hindering everyone’s plans is a computer hacker known only as Electra (Julian Moore; Boogie Nights, Hannibal). She is supposed to be Rath’s last assignment, and the setup for Miguel Bain to kill both her and Rath. However, Rath is able to stay one step ahead of Bain reluctantly relying on Electra who is all too willing to return the reluctance, but Rath has an idea on how both of them can disappear without a trace if they can continue evading the crosshairs of Miguel Bain.

There is a lot of talent involved with this movie both in front and behind the camera. The movie was directed by Richard Donner of Superman and Lethal Weapon notoriety from a story pitched by the Wachowski brothers – of course; now, one brother and one sister (Bound, The Matrix trilogy), and a fun script penned by the then-two-brothers and Brian Helgeland (Payback, Man on Fire, 976-Evil).

The emotions of lost identity and hopes for escape are played well by Stallone and Moore as each one has ghosts in their closet that they know they will have to face, especially Stallone’s character whose ghost is a constant reminder of fate, where as Electra is his reminder of faith.

Antonio Banderas steals the show. At this point he was still breaking into the Hollywood game but had already made an exciting impact in Mambo Kings. In Assassins he tears loose as the anxious, wild-eyed assassin and doesn’t care who gets caught in the frenzy, and he looks like he enjoyed every moment of it.

Assassins is a well told, well paced action film with some scenes reminding you that there are human beings that just want to live a normal life because they don’t like what their real normality is, while there are others that get a kick out of living by causing misery to others; not to say that they don’t respect what others have accomplished, they are just tired of waiting for their time in the spotlight to come.

The Whip and the Body - Movie Review and Ode to Mario Bava

The Whip and the Body is a film that is usually outshined by its own director – Mario Bava. He is one of the most important directors in Italian cinema He began his movie career as a cinematographer in 1943 and then reigned supreme as the director to work for during the Golden Age of Italian horror in the 1960’s. His influence was felt globally.


Bava is credited with directing the first giallo film, The Girl Who Knew Too Much; his final black-and-white film which again showed his mastery of using shades and tones of a scene to influence the mood of a film. These talents would be taken to a new extreme with his second color film and second in the giallo genre, Blood and Black Lace. Every scene is a mobile, Technicolor painting, accenting the carnage or depressing the calm, and though this film as considered even more influential to future giallos than The Girl Who Knew Too Much, it was with The Whip and the Body that most critics claim as his masterpiece.

The Whip and the Body brought Mario Bava back to horror, but this was a unique type of horror film. This was a romantic tale for the macabre; a love story for sadists. The story brings Kurt Menliff (Christopher Lee; The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Dracula has Risen from the Grave) back to his family’s castle, wanting to congratulate his brother, Christian Menliff (Tony Kendall; Machine Gun McCain, Corleone) on his new found financial success, but no one believes Kurt for an instant. They all feel that he is there only to torment the family; especially his brother’s wife, who happens to be Kurt’s ex-lover, Nevenka (Dalia Lavi; The Demon, Some Girls Do). When Kurt abandoned the family before, Nevenka went into a depression that the household thought she would never recover from, but with Christian’s aid, she did, so they all feared that Kurt would attempt to claim her once again.

Unsurprisingly, Kurt and Nevenka do reprise their intimate relationship, because only Kurt knows Nevenka’s secret temptation. Nevenka is a sadist and is quickly aroused when she is abused, particularly with a whip; she even dreams at night about it and wakes up smiling. Once Kurt engages her in this romantically vicious game, Nevenka falls for him once more, but one day soon after, Kurt is murdered. While some of the household is concerned, and all are suspects for the murder, most of them seem thankful – until – Nevenka begins seeing Kurt’s ghost roaming around the castle, seeking vengeance on anyone that may have had a hand in his murder and still pursuing his gratuitous affair with her.

The cast does a fine job as everyone’s role seems to fit their best thespian features; Christopher Lee, playing the mischievously vile tormentor, and Daliah Lavi as a strong-willed, but overly passionate countess. The pacing is slow, but to grasp the haunted atmosphere aided by the tortured tenants, it works. The true star here, however, is Mario Bava’s directing. His cinematography is the finest orchestrated use of color that I personally could rival only to John Boorman’s Point Blank (1967). There is not a single wasted scene in either movie. Each frame of film is a carefully crafted neon-lit composition that would make for a fine tattoo to be poked on to someone’s drunken butt at a horror film festival, or a questionable treasure to be hung inside the snootiest of art museums.

The Whip and the Body is a fine film with excellent directing. The director will probably be forever known more than most of the movies he ever worked on, and that alone is a tribute to the heart and mind that Mario Bava gave to a genre that most movie-goers and film lovers would pass off as uniquely adorable or even silly, but Mario Bava treated it as serioiusly as Orson Welles would treat any of his mainstream, multiply paised films; and the fans of horror and of Mario Bava, past, present, and future, would and will appreciate his work one-hundred times more.

Bava influenced the master of giallo, Dario Argento and horror maestro John Carpenter, and even haunted positively the likes of Martin Scorsese and Ridley Scott. His film Kill, Baby, Kill….influenced the popular Japanese film genre, J-Horror. So, to say that Mario Bava had a hand in shaping the horror of today would be an understatement because he helped shape all movies of today.

Seeing Red - An Observation About Comics, Movies, Adaptations & Remakes

Being a fan of the 3-issue mini-series, Red, by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner, I was a bit disheartened to hear that it had been optioned by Summit Entertainment for a motion picture deal; but, that occurred around the time that my ideals towards cinematic adaptations were finalizing their maturation, plus, several Warren Ellis properties were being optioned or had already been optioned.

Global Frequency had it's probation-fire doused before even hitting television's airwaves, but it did find critical and sub-cultural commercial success via the internet. I did get to see it and, personally speaking, it was damn good and had all the potential in the world to be a fine series, but the budget-per-episode is what killed the show. Since then, Ocean and even Gravel have been optioned for either a movie or television deal.

With Red, though, there seemed to be a light at the end of the watered-down ketchup bottle. Bruce Willis became the lead of the film, although he still seemed too young in comparison to the Paul Moses of the comic book who is in his late-fifties, but when it comes to Hollywood, changes are inevitable for the sake of a dollar, especially considering that the original source material for Red could not possibly fill even a ninety minute feature film; so there was no doubt that the Hollywood puppets assigned to the movie would have to expand, even change the root of the source.

Once I saw the trailer for the Red feature film, I was immediately frustrated, and if I were the uptight comic-geek that I was - - not even three years ago, I would have thrown a fit, but I stated before, my ideals towards adaptations and remakes were changing, maturing; and I allowed myself to finish viewing the rest of the trailer, happy that the film was starring a handful of my favorite actors next to Bruce Willis - -Hellen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, and John Malcovich - and listening to the Hollywood script, it did seem attempting to channel some of Warren Ellis' unapologetic brevity. And for these qualities, I am looking forward to the film even though I cringed during those first few seconds of watching the trailer, knowing that these bastards had butchered an already well-told-tale. The tone of the original mini-series and the tone of the movie are as far apart as oil and water, but it doesn't mean that both stories cannot be and are not good ones.

I have read the Red mini-series, enjoying it to no end, and even though the movie will be nothing like the comic I still look forward to being entertained by the film, because as the multiverse continues to reveal and explain itself; what is good for one culture, one era, one medium, doesn't always make itself so relatable to the next medium; which is one reason why this recent uprising in remakes and reboots of fan-favorite films isn't so hurtful. Comic books have been rewriting their super heroic characters' origins for nearly eight decades - - eighty fuckin' years - - and Hollywood has been remaking/rebooting their films for almost an entire century, but Hollywood movies were accepted into households and adult lives far quicker than comics. Right now, it is the year 2010, and comic books are just beginning to be accepted into the main stream of pop culture; loyal followers are just now feeling courageous enough to read a comic book, particularly a superhero comic, in public without fear of complete ridicule, because there will always be a lingering sense of a lower social ranking, but only with an open mind can anyone know where to stand on top when it comes time to watch the rest of the world collapse and burn.

Consider This the Ribbon

For some reason, any reason, whatever reason; I don't care - when it comes to birthdays, the best gift that I've ever been able to give is a poem. It started back in high school and has since sustained its usefulness.

Today, a great comrade (yeah, that's exactly what she wants to be called - SHUT IT, Yyyyoooouuuu) marks another notch in her mortality belt, and this is my gift to thee...

Sleep to rest; dream if so lucky,
For at times the morning sun may seem a vex,
But a dream is a treasure to those aware
That they are now breathing their last breaths.

......Blow out the fuckin' candles already.

Doghouse - Movie Review

Doghouse is the latest in a long line of zombie-inspired films, this one coming out of England. This one is brought to us by director Jake West, who gave us the largely unheard of splatter-masterpiece that was Evil Aliens; and writer Dan Schaffer, best known for the underground comic book favorite, Dogwitch.


In Doghouse, Vince (Stephen Graham) is a recent divorcee having difficulty adjusting to his lonely situation. So, six of his friends decide to take him to the countryside to a village called Moodley, where the female population outnumbers the male population 3:1; much like colleges in North America.

The men are taken to the village by bus, driven by an attractive woman named Candy. Warning signs emerge a dead sheep is found, blocking the road to Moodley, which Candy and Neil (Danny Dryer) - the unapologetic misogynist of the group, move out of the way. Suddenly, everyone’s cell phones begin ringing, aggravating Neil since this is supposed to be a “boys’ weekend,” so he gathers everyone’s phones and stashes them away.

The group finds their way to Moodley only to discover that the village is void of all life until they begin encountering mutated women with a hankering for male flesh. In the midst of their ordeal, they run into Sergeant Gavin Wright (Terry Stone) who admits to being part of the British military division responsible for the mutations. And, once the group discovers the secret military base, linking them back to military headquarters, they realize that the mutations they have previously fought were just the first part of a larger mutation.

Any zombie-comedy, especially a British one, is going to be held up the standard set by Shaun of the Dead, and while Doghouse doesn’t reach the highest peaks set by it the film still holds its own when it comes to the funny and to the gore. Every insult man has ever hoped to drop on a woman is touched upon in the script, including blaming the virus on “bird-flu,” having a drink at a pub called “The Cock & Balls,” and battling the mutated mavens with not only remote control toy cars, and cross dressing, but a military device using sonar with pitch-ranges so high that only women can hear it. And, any way a man or a woman have ever wanted to butcher their girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, friend-with-benefits; most of them are covered in Doghouse.

Aside from that, Doghouse also shows that not all men are degenerate pigs and, while still upholding to some chauvinistic tendencies, there are nice guys that have been lumped into the general sum of the degenerate pigs that are the majority of the male population on Earth, which seems all too familiar to this writer.

Doghouse seems to accomplish the job set for it: Tell a humorous and charming tale about the conflicts between men and women, and how one can never fully appreciate the other, particularly when one becomes a murderous, cannibalistic creature. The trade of dialogue among the six friends really helps break the constant violent tension, showing the power of friendship, and makes the audience care a bit more when one the friends begin getting picked off by the mutants.

Doghouse is a worthy viewing, and whether it stands the test of time is something else, but in this modern era is definitely recommended. Plus, for people that have not already discovered Stephen Graham (Inkheart, Gangs of New York, Snatch), this is their chance to see him in a smaller film before hitting it really big when he plays Johnny Depp’s right-hand-man in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Chloe - Movie Review

At first glance, Chloe’s main star would look to be Amanda Seyfried (Jennifer’s Body), and sometimes being the main star doesn’t always mean having the most screen-time. Sometimes the main character is represented more as a force of nature trapped inside a human being.

David Stewart (Liam Neeson, Taken) misses his flight home on the night of his birthday. Catherine Stewart (Julianne Moore, A Single Man), is dismayed to find this out as she had spent significant time gathering all of his closest friends and co-workers together for a surprise birthday party. This proves to be another blow to their shaken marriage. Adding to her burden is their reclusive, moody, musically gifted son – Michael (Max Thieriot, Stay Cool), treating her like she is the immovable thorn in his sensitive side, completely disdained to any authority she feels entitled to.

The following morning, David is home and life is receding back to normalcy until a ringing cell phone picked up by Catherine from David’s bag reveals that David may not have missed his flight at all, but the spent the night out with a younger woman. Catherine’s suspicions get the best of her, so by chance she meets and hires Chloe. Catherine wants Chloe to bump into her husband, spend time with him, and report back the events that happen. The stories that Chloe recites equally enrage and entice Catherine, and she begins to experience a sexual longing that had been long forgotten. So, rather than confront David at first, she allows these feelings to intensify until finally, her frustrations erupt into one weak, emotionally charged moment with Chloe which Chloe mistakes for love, and Chloe will not be told to go away, or be bought off with money or gifts; she will find some way to be in Catherine’s life, at the cost of anyone else’s life.

Individually, the cast turns in worthy performances as Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore are often guaranteed to deliver something credible. Amanda Seyfried does seem like the outcast here and it works completely for her and her character. She is supposed to an outcast, someone thinking outside of the i-Phone obsessed, instantly gratified, impatient internet life. Her devious actions are nearly dismissed because of her beauty and innocence when she is onscreen, yet her damaging effects are everlasting when she is nowhere to be seen.

Chloe is a movie worth renting or catching at the dollar theater while you can. If you are a fan of any of the three main stars (Seyfried, Neeson, & Moore) it is definitely worth seeing, but Chloe – the film, isn’t anything we haven’t seen before, which isn’t so bad, but it isn’t mandatory viewing.

DB prematurely reviews Splice - Species meets Dirty Dancing. It gives "Eat a dick," a whole new meaning.