In the Spider's Web (2007) - Movie Review

 American tourists hiking in India seek out a reclusive American doctor after one of them is bitten by a poisonous spider. Dr. Lecorpus and his facially deformed brother have been residing with a native tribe that worships spiders. While he attends to the injured tourist the rest of the group ventures into an ancient temple where they find discover Dr. Lecorpus’ terrible secret.

In the Spider’s Web is a Sci Fi original movie (before they changed it to SyFy so the network could get away with showing non-sci-fi material) filmed in the majestic fake jungle dubbed India constructed inside some California studio back lot. Aside from Lance Henriksen, there’s no one recognizable in this movie. It is not scary, it is not suspenseful; the special effects will get a chuckle out of you. The oversized spider webs look like paste-layered bed sheets. What I did find slightly charming about it was that it felt like a throwback to the fifties science fiction era in terms of story and effects, so if you’r an unimaginative, unappreciative movie watcher – a) you probably watch movies on your iPod; b) feel free to skip this movie all together. Now, if you need a good laugh or some entertaining background noise while cleaning or cooking around the house, I’d totally recommend it. 

The Baby (1973) - Movie Review

Ann Gentry is a recently widowed social worker returning to her job. Upon coming back, her first case is the Wadsworth family. She goes to meet them and is introduced to Mrs. Wadsworth and her two grown, peculiar daughters, Germaine and Alba. Shockingly, what has led Ann to this family is the youngest of the family. A crawling, bottle nursing, diaper wearing, twenty-one year old baby.  Ann makes it her mission to take the child known only as Baby out of their home.

At first, you let the movie roll and you may be surprised at how seriously the movie takes itself. The plot sounds like an Adam Sandler feature, but director Ted Post and writer Abe Polsky had no comedic intentions at all. The middle of the movie tends to drag a bit, and after I almost abandoned any hopes of significant plot development, the last twenty minutes are when the movie does the unthinkable. It blows your mind.

I had limited expectations when watching The Baby. As a fan of not just horror movies, but their history, I’ve been let down on several occasions when I see a movie from yesteryear, like the 1960’s and 1970’s because of all the hype surrounding the movie, whether it was banned from certain countries or it was deemed a cult shocker. Most of them are primetime dramas compared to todays over the top blood fests and demon orgies, but The Baby was able to do what so few horror movies of any year have been able to do. It shocked me. It might not shock you as much, and folks might and can see this movie as being just plain stupid, but I took what was offered and it got me. Plus, there’s a lot of nice looking women in the movie. 

The Devil within Her (1975) - Movie Review

When Lucy was struggling with her life she spent some time as a stripper. One evening she shuns the sexual advances of a mysterious dwarf who then condemns her for it by hexing her. A few years later, Lucy is now successful, married, and has birthed her first child. During the next few months, strange deaths start happening to people around Lucy and the only link between them is the presence of her baby.

I’m going to save you some time – file The Devil within Her a.k.a. Sharon’s Baby a.k.a. I Don’t Want to Be Born a.k.a. It Lives within Her (Is that it? Are you sure? Yes? Omniscient says yes; moving on) – file this movie and all of its titles under So Bad its Hilarious. Just look at that movie poster.

Joan Collins does her usual diva shtick as Lucy, which gives people foresight of Alexis Carrington (her character in Dynasty). Truly though the acting isn’t the issue; it’s the baby. It is so cute; maybe too cute. It’s a normal, happy baby that shakes itself and jumps for joy every time someone is murdered. Some of the murder scenes are so poorly planned - they just lift the baby’s hand up in front of the camera to push an unassuming victim down.  The dwarf that curses Lucy does a fine job of being vexed with her, but he’s dressed in a jester’s costume.

One of the few saving graces is the late Donald Pleasence as Dr. Finch. Not that he does anything significant it’s just always a pleasure to see Donald Pleasence in a movie. Even Eileen Atkins as the curmudgeon Sister Albana shines in her role, even though her personality calls for being that of a wet plank.

I was amazed at the laughable quirks of this movie considering it was directed by long-time Hammer horror veteran film maker Peter Sasdy (Hands of the Ripper, Countess Dracula, Taste the Blood of Dracula) who does manage some nice looking murders. Although The Devil within Her wasn’t made by Hammer studios, which might explain some of the bad quality, Peter Sasdy is highly capable of making a much better film of this type.

However, The Devil within Her is what it is, a cult classic of unintentional comedy. I wouldn’t recommend it for someone wanting a serious scare, despite a few worthy kills. I would recommend it if you’re entertaining someone who isn’t much of a horror fan and is need of some entertainment.  

New Short Story - Laylee

You can read my new short story - Laylee - and leave comments if you'd like. Feel free to critique but don't be a dick. I have friends with explosions.

Again, here is more of my work.

Cherry Cider

Laying the groundwork for some new material: 

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Cherry patrolled her corner with the grace of a drunken lioness as her pimp, a near-7-foot flashy hulk named Bitch’s Preach watched from across the street. If she didn’t start bringing in the business she was going to find herself on the wrong end of a Singapore Gonzo Bus, which is as painful as it sounds.

Before her three tours of duty, Cherry (her street name) was studying to be a chem.-tech, but then the world hit a fan made of shit. She was called into action and while she was there she succumbed to one of her few faults. Cherry accepted a bonus from the military by opting to be a guinea pig for one of their ultra-soldier programs. At first, the drug worked splendidly. Her body surpassed its original apex of physical capabilities. She was finishing special ops obstacles in a matter of single digit minutes and her IQ shot up several hundred notches. She was a scientist with a gladiator’s killing skills.

The addiction started during her four month layoff. She began looking for compensatory drugs; first, legal supplements used by fitness experts and world class athletes, but they didn’t compare to the thrill of the military’s sweet sensation. Then, she started dealing with the illegal stuff but cleaned herself before she was due back for her second tour. When she came home, the need came back sooner and her desperation doubled, but she was able to compensate until it was time for round three, but compensating meant the money went to the bad people with bad things that made her feel good and not to her bills. After her third tour of duty, Cherry returned home to an eviction sign and a foreclose notice on her home. Her car had been repossessed. She had signed her life and its connections to the military so she could be one of the ultra soldiers. She had no one to turn to.

Bitch’s Preach found her in an alley with her tongue stuck up the ass of a translator for the Chinese chairman of the CPC Guidance Commission. Bitch’s Preach applauded her enthusiasm and controlled her through her addiction. Bitch’s Preach had been dishonorably discharged for running a prostitute scam on the American military Base in Germany. He knew Cherry’s symptoms because he had also partaken in the same experiments, only he wasn’t a guinea pig, he was a chemist. He had manipulated the formula used for the ultra soldier experiments and was now pimping out women laced with the junk as super sex slaves. Many of his girls were ex-war vets, so not only did he have the most scintillating pussy in the city, if anyone tried to skimp out on the tab, they turned into wicked enforcers and collectors with a bloodlust. Bitch’s Preach wanted punks like that turned into examples.

Cherry was sick of this life. She was sick of Bitch’s Preach. She had fought in wars, saved lives, but like so many ex-military, once she was done her government didn’t bother to remember her name or the names of her street sisters. But she still had instincts.

Cherry still knew how to be a soldier. Her sisters were fellow soldiers. Warriors – warriors that had fought through pain, insurmountable odds, and common sexual degradation. Cherry didn’t want to feel sick anymore. Cherry was ready to take her life back. It was going to start with Bitch’s Preach.

Reminder I'm on Writers Network

Just a reminder: I'm on Writers Network, should you be interested in some stories or poetry. Feel free to critique sensibly, don't just be an asshole to be an asshole; even though it's so easy and fun.

Monster Brawl (2011) - Movie Review

Set within an accursed cemetery, eight movie monsters do battle in a wrestling tournament to crown the champion of Monster Brawl. Wolfman, Witch Bitch, Cyclops, and Swamp Gut compete in the creature conference; Lady Vampire, Zombie Man, Mummy, and Frankenstein compete in the undead conference with the winners of each meeting in the finals. Veteran UFC referee Herb Dean plays himself as, well, the referee.

Coolest of all, Lance Henriksen is the voice of God. Wrestlling alumni Kevin Nash and “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart also appear in the film. Aiding with laughs is comedic veteran Dave Foley of Kids in the Hall and Newsradio fame playing analyst Buzz Chambers next to his color commentator and former monster brawler“Sasquatch” Sid Tucker, played by Art Hindle (Black Christmas – 1974).

Monster Brawl is writer/director Jesse T. Cook’s sophomore full length feature. It is a special effects, movie makeup driven comedy that never takes itself seriously, which can be appreciated. The makeup is provided by The Gore Brothers and proves to be the star of the movie. The costumes and prosthetics are durable and the actors move effortlessly in their action scenes all the while being unrecognizable. People recall Robert Maillet being the French giant trying to smash Robert Downey, jr.’s head in Sherlock Holmes, but none of his facial features are distinguishable beneath the well placed latex.

This movie is best viewed with friends; the rowdier the better. It is intended as pure entertainment and when treated as such will be all the more likeable. Watching it alone, it just doesn’t have the same pizzazz. Treat like a fight night, all be well, and everyone will have a good time.