Get Low - Movie Review

Get Low is the cinematic telling of a folk tale from Tennessee, a folk tale that has several parts of truth entwined within it. During the 1930’s, deep in Tennessee woods there lived a hermit. There were many stories about this hermit and none of them painted him in a pleasant light. Some people believed him to be a murderer, others a rapist, but for whatever reason besides a disdain for humanity this man exiled himself to nature with no interest for human contact.


One night, the hermit (Robert Duvall; Lonesome Dove, Assassination Tango) has a profound dream. He awakens from the dream convinced that he is about to die, but when he wakes up the next morning he believes the dream to be a revelation. He wants everyone with a story to tell about him to attend his funeral - - - - while he’s still alive.

The hermit’s name is Felix Bush. He goes to a nearly bankrupt funeral home run by Frank Quinn (Bill Murray; Ghostbusters, Broken Flowers) and his assistant Buddy (Lucas Black; American Gothic, All The Pretty Horses) so that they can assist him in making the necessary arrangements to throw this “funeral party,” and once Frank gets an eye on the amount of money Felix is carrying around with him, Frank is more than excited to oblige Felix.

However, complications arise when Felix’s old girlfriend returns to town. Mattie Darrow (Sissy Spacek; Carrie, Four Christmases) may have been Felix’s girlfriend but she was never his first love, and behind that secret lays a great tragedy and the secret to the mystery of the hermit in the woods.

Get Low was a pleasure to watch. All of the actors were in top form, even though Lucas Black hasn’t really changed his character approach his whole career, but he is looking manlier these days. Bill Murray once again plays a quirky, flawed individual but this one is not as big a schmuck as most of his other parts. Frank has his own story to tell and when he does, you can’t help but cheer for him.

Robert Duvall once again turns in an outstanding performance. His age is very apparent in this film and it made me sad to think that his time could very well be near, and to me that added to the impact that this movie is capable of, but when he was hiding under that hermit garb of bushy hair and beard, and even though I knew it was Robert Duvall in the role I still had to ask myself – is that Robert Duvall?

These movies about past eras and small nature towns fit right into the director’s forte. Aaron Schneider (Simon Birch, Kiss the Girls) has a knack for making nature as much of a character as the people are, and he seems capable of tapping into the mindset of the folks that lived in the past.

Get Low was a treat. There was no one to dislike in the film, it was all about telling stories and learning the truth about Felix and everyone else questioning their own will or their own conscience. It was an excellent character piece of which I would not mind a repeat viewing.

The Last Exorcism - Movie Review

Directed by Daniel Stamm

Written by Huck Botko & Andrew Gurland

The Last Exorcism begins as a story about a faithless preacher, Reverend Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian; Big Love). He was bred since childhood to be a preacher, handling his first sermon at the age of ten years old. Then, somewhere along the way Cotton began forgetting about what it meant to have faith and instead concentrated on whatever means required to pay the mortgage on the house and to pay for the medical care that his prematurely born son needs.

As he decided to quit preaching Cotton wanted to do one more deed for the world. He wanted to unveil the secret of exorcisms – they are not real. Cotton is convinced that the exorcisms he performed during his tenure as a priest – and he performed over one-hundred – were just psychological therapy for someone with a guilty conscience; someone hiding a secret from their loved ones because they are too ashamed to tell the truth.

Cotton decides to make a reality show. He randomly picks letters sent to him by dozens of people convinced that they or someone they know is possessed by a demon. His first case takes him and the two eager filmmakers deep into Louisiana where the recently widowed Louis Sweetzer believes that his daughter, Nell, is possessed, and what starts as a typical hustling job by Cotton, with his slide of hand tricks and string-pulled props soon turns into a battle against pure evil and a returning conflict with his faith in God.

The movie did a good job of capturing the aura of Louisiana with the beautiful scenery, the shoot-strangers-before-you-look-at-them attitude of its citizens, and the endless lingering essence of something supernatural; and while I am not a fan of reality-filmed movies or television, I don’t think the special effects and fright scenes would have looked as good as they did thus they would not have been as effective as they were. However, the downside to filming realistically is that the audience encounters a lot of dead air in between scenes which stricken any momentum gained by a good scare. If I wanted to watch actual recorded reality I would set up a camera at the park and record birds pooping on peoples’ cars all day.

Then, there is the ending. I didn’t hate it like the majority of the movie-going public did, but it wasn’t good enough to warrant much praising either. I didn’t mind it because it felt like an ending that would have happened back in the 1950’s or 1960’s, particularly in a Hammer film, but once the final act is over you realize that what could have been an epic or simply an awesome climax just became leftover fish sticks from two days ago.

The Killer Inside Me (2010) - Movie Review

The Killer Inside Me – the title says it all. The movie is based on the Jim Thompson novel of the same name. Jim Thompson also wrote The Grifters, which was also turned into a feature film.

The Killer Inside Me is about a West Texas deputy sheriff named Lou Ford (Casey Affleck). Most of the people that know Lou respect him and find him to be one of the kindest souls that ever walked their sidewalks, while other folks in the law game suspect that there is something more to Lou than just a badge and a nice smile.

In fact, Lou Ford is a sadistic murderer. When Lou was a young boy he was introduced to sadism, but being so youthful he didn’t know that what his father’s girlfriend was wanting him to do to her had any kind of wrong in it. But Lou grew up, suppressing those urges until opportunity presented a window towards unleashing these sick, pent up desires in the form of Joyce Lakeland (Jessica Alba), a prostitute that, during a moment of tested aggression, Lou falls in love with and Joyce reciprocates those feelings despite Lou already being committing his intimate ways to Amy Stanton (Kate Hudson). Both women are aware of Lou’s dark pleasures, and both accept him for it only to wind up as violent escapes for Lou’s personal gains.

This film is heavy with dialogue and unapologetic with its violence. The brutality is uncensored and could make some people squirm but seemed relevant to the compressed tone of the film. The cast also involves cult-favorite Elias Kotas (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Prophecy) as Joe Rothman – a detective that refuses to see the boy-faced gentleman that everyone else sees in Lou Ford. Simon Baker (The Mentalist) plays Howard Hendricks, the district attorney that suspects Lou Ford of committing murder, and Bill Pullman shortly appears as Billy Boy Walker – an attorney that wants to hear Lou Ford’s story.

Casey Affleck does well enough as the morally confused Lou Ford. The only way he knows if someone is worth knowing is if they’re worth killing. The individual sex scenes with Affleck and Hudson and Alba were well done. The love and passion that these characters thought they felt for each other was projected with every succulent kiss and spiritually kinetic pelvic thrust.

The Killer Inside Me has already been made into a film back in 1976, starring Stacey Keach as Lou Ford. I can guarantee that the previous version does not compare in terms of showing the carnage that an individual can physically produce.

I did read other reviews comparing this film to Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, but that is only in theme - experiencing the life and thoughts of a conscientious murderer and not gore. The Killer Inside Me doesn’t even come close, but it can turn a few stomachs.

I felt like this was the type of movie I needed to be in the mood for and while it was disturbing it wasn’t disturbing enough for my tastes, but then again I’ve been desensitized by my own dysfunctional family and two decades’ worth’s of horror films. While I did enjoy The Killer Inside Me, it did not come without some areas that simply dragged and very questionable Texas accents from everyone involved, but it’s always interesting to see a film from a mentally twisted perspective because they act and seem so normal, like true serial killers, you can’t help but be shocked or amazed or both.

Chasing Oddities

Running through a marshy backdrop with any night-birthed light interrupted by fog, I’m headed for home. I’m a torpedoing through the mist aiming for my house-lit backdoor because I know who’s chasing me. We’d never met, but I knew his name and I knew he was a ghastly behemoth that wanted to sever my body from itself.


Why was I leading him home, then? And that would’ve been much more difficult if the slug-paced zombies were nearer, but they had just begun crossing the stretched out driveway.

I flung open the screen door, nearly broke the door down, and pounced to a halt inside the house.

The storage space was hot. The place looked clean enough, but that could’ve been just generous lighting. Everything had a dim tone.

I walked into the hollow kitchen with peeling plastic floor tile. The emptiness of the kitchen made the house look bigger than it really was, and it was still hot. I smelled stale, funky sex. A petite brunette was dressing herself, buttoning her shirt. Had I not been so concerned about being hacked to pieces, I still doubt I would have freaked out that she had only one leg, but the clown sitting on the stool, shabbily dressed with a questionably puke-like stain smothered over his white wife beater is what truly stunned me. His cigar smelled good and his white suspenders were clipped to baggy, sketchy checkered orange and red pants. The black floppy shoes had been displaced in the corner behind the clown and if that was smothered puke on his shirt I wasn’t going to consider even looking anywhere near his feet.

The chainsaw howled. The big guy was near.

I quickly abandoned the strange couple that became less strange the more I thought about the idea of them as an actual couple. I noticed the steel twin doors that blocked the entrance to the one room I had never been allowed into. The right door was slightly ajar and considering the circumstances I wasn’t about to wait for an invitation.

I stepped through, entering the one room I had never been allowed to enter.

The Expendables - Movie Review and Ode to the Action Genre (No Capes or Tights Allowed)

The Expendables is Sylvester Stallone’s attempt to revive the action-hero franchise that he personally feels has been in limbo for many years. If you haven’t had a chance to check out John Rambo, the fourth installment into the Rambo movie franchise, then The Expendables is a great place to start; or rather restart.

An action film is hardly ever driven by the plot, it’s usually character driven; in The Expendables we have so many characters to deal with it pays knowing a thing or two about schizophrenia, which I do; but that is for another blog at another time.

Sylvester Stallone is Barney Ross, the obvious leader of a band of close-knit mercenaries. A private handler asks them to overthrow the dictator of a South American island – Vilena, but after a visit to the island with his closest merc-partner Lee Christmas (Jason Statham; Transporter, London), they both feel that the job is far too cost-heavy to pull off, but after a bout with his conscience and an eye-opening lecture from his closest confidante, AND finding out that the real fiend depriving the island of positive resources is an ex-CIA agent – James Munroe (Eric Roberts; Dark Knight, Best of the Best), Barney knows what he must do. However, it’s not easy being Barney’s friend and the rest of The Expendables decide to tag along.

Action movies are expected to be plot-simple: good guy goes after bad guy, but with the evolution of multi-media and not necessarily human intelligence, movie-goers have come to realize that most of the time the line between right and wrong is not so straight and a little blurry. That’s the picture Stallone provides with The Expendables. Christmas provides a nice secondary plot because he’s the nice guy with a great but impatient love interest, and love and kill-efficiency is what Christmas and Barney keep barking at each other about, but even after that there is a statement about brotherhood, honor, and honesty; which is tested by the rest of the crew in regards to the size of their cut come payday, like Yin Yang (Jet Li) and simply by the team’s trust in one member to do their job correctly, like the team trusts in Gunner (Dolph Lundgren; Rocky IV, Masters of the Universe) – a soldier addicted to drugs.

To me (danger, danger), The Expendables is the evolution of the action film. Just like Harold Ramis and his party crew wanted to put heart into low brow comedy with Caddy Shack which Judd Appatow and his crew modified for today’s audiences, Sylvester Stallone continues to evolve the action film genre.

When Bruce Willis’ Die Hard premiered, no one took his simple-man-physique, blue collar attitude seriously as an action hero compared to the likes of Schwarzenegger's Dillon in Predator or Stallone's Cobra, but Die Hard became a success. From then on action heroes were no longer off-limits to being evaluated as human beings. The Expendables looks at each and every mercenary as being human. Human beings have faults, they have secrets that they don’t want to share with loved ones; they have fetishes that they feel would be considered disgraceful if anyone emotionally-close knew about it. As a co-writer and director, Sylvester Stallone does an excellent job of presenting these kinks about tough guys to the public. As a director, he falls short on the actual action sequences.

Stallone chooses to go with the close-up, shaky-cam effect that annoys and nauseates most of the movie going public, which is a gigantic disappointment for me, personally. I had two dream-matches occur during this movie: Dolph Lundgren vs. Jet Li and Steve Austin vs. Randy Couture, and even a surprise dream match; Steve Austin vs. Sylvester Stallone – but during every action sequence throughout the film, Stallone went with a close-up, shaky-camera effect which deteriorated the action. I want to know who is punching whom, whom is kicking, flipping, cracking the bones of whom, and with the shaky-cam technique I couldn’t decipher the antagonist from the protagonist.

I am glad to say that this discrepancy is my only complaint against The Expendables. It brought back that feeling of the common man succeeding against uncommon odds; it brought to the silver screen some of my most respected fighters, and most of all it made these modern day barbarians relatable.

The Expendables doesn’t pretend to be anything it was advertised to be. There’s action, there’s A LOT of blood (sadly, it’s mostly CGI blood), there’s plenty of carnage, tons of explosions, but you’re never left without the feeling that these men are not human beings; that they don’t have feelings, families, or something just worth fighting for, and during these internet-spawned, self-righteous, ignorant, foolish, selfish times – I’m glad to know that there are people who still believe in respect and honor. I know it’s only a movie, but that goes to show the power of cinema; it can give you hope.

Inception - Movie Review

Inception tells the tale about sophisticated, mercenary neuro-criminals that raid a person’s subconscious during their dream-state in order to extract information. The team is led by Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) who

is the extractor – he tricks the mark into giving up the information. Accompanying him is Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt; 500 Days of Summer, Brick) the research analyst – he gathers and organizes history on the mark. They find themselves in need of a new architect – the person who designs the dream’s landscape which functions as a maze. Cobb finds young Ariadne (Ellen Paige; Juno, Smart People) to fill that role.

After a successful demonstration in Japan for a corporate guru – Saito (Ken Watanabe; Batman Begins, Shanghai), Cobb is offered a chance of a lifetime; an opportunity to return to the United States, and back to his children. Cobb had been accused of murdering his wife. He professed his innocence but the evidence against him was too strong, so Cobb has not allowed himself to even try returning home. Saito guarantees a safe homecoming if he and his team complete one last job, only it’s not an extraction, it’s an implant.

A rival corporation is on the verge of monopolizing Japan’s entire energy resource. The chairman is on his deathbed with complete control of the company ready to be transferred to his son Robert (Cilian Murphy; Red Eye, Cuckoo) but their relationship is fragile bordering on dysfunctional. Saito wants Cobb to implant an idea inside Robert’s subconscious – to separate the company into different corporate entities so that Saito’s businesses will be the dominant organization throughout Japan. Cobb hastily agrees, but there is a chance that his own subconscious might be usurping more control over his life than he thinks.

By no large means am I fan of Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s a fifty-year-old man trapped in a twelve-year-old….man’s body and I personally find it difficult to take him seriously the majority of the time. That’s not to say that I’m not a fan of some of the movies he’s been in, such as Eating Gilbert Grape, The Basketball Diaries, and especially This Boy’s Life. So, I was surprised at how much I really liked him in Inception. He can command a scene and control a movie, but the typical reasons why I tend to brush him off were not evident in this film. I enjoyed his performance, it helped that he had a great character to play, and this may be my second favorite film with DiCaprio in it, just behind This Boy’s Life.

The other actors did splendidly even though I can’t stomach Ellen Paige most of the time, but here she was tolerable. Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been a mature actor and now he’s finally being offered mature roles. If you haven’t seen his performance in Brick, it is astounding and allowed him to step up to the big leagues. Michael Caine has a small but important role; Tom Hardy showed great range as Eames who is the con-artist and all around grunt of the team, and it was nice to see Cilian Murphy acting on the big screen again as I feel he is an underrated and even underappreciated actor. And, Ken Watanabe once again turns in some powerful, dynamic work.

Christopher Nolan spreads his charm and skills all over this film as both writer and director. When you look at certain profile shots and establishing shots, you immediately sense that this is a Christopher Nolan film, so the magic happens when the dream worlds start to implode and chaos runs amok in the subconscious, but I found myself preferring the story about Cobb and the relationship between he and his wife more than the actual implant job. To me, that plot was more bizarre and heart racing.

Inception seems to run long at a near two-and-a-half hour mark but in order for the ideas behind inception, extraction, and the roles of everyone involved to be clear to the audience that time is needed and is well spent. Once all of the explanations and examples are displayed, the ball really starts to roll. Some people have claimed to need multiple viewings to understand and appreciate the complexity of Inception, but I disagree. If you can stay awake, you can soak it all in easily enough.

2000 Maniacs (1964) - A Small Retrospect on the "Splatter Film"

If you are a fan of Rob Zombie or if you know someone who is, then you have probably heard one of Herschell Gordon Lewis’ movies mentioned as a song title or at the very least within the lyrics of one of Rob Zombie’s songs. Herschell Gordon Lewis is considered to North American horror what Lucio Fulci was considered to Italian horror – the “Godfather of Gore.” Lewis is credited for creating the horror sub-genre “splatter film” where the violence in the movie is propelled to profound extremes.

2000 Maniacs is one of the earliest “splatter films” written and directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis in 1964. Six people; some strangers, some couples travelling knee deep in southern territory are lured to a town called Pleasant Valley. When they arrive, it seems like the entire town is there to meet and greet these Yankees. There is even an evening banquet that is set to be held that very night recognizing these folks as the guests of honor. The problem is that the town of Pleasant Valley was destroyed during the Civil War and the citizens of Pleasant Valley, led by Mayor Buckman, did not take too kindly to that action, therefore their spirits rise every one-hundred years for the centennial celebration of Pleasant Valley’s existence, and every centennial the citizens take out their vengeance on wandering northern folk.

2000 Maniacs is well known for it’s over the top characters, b-movie style production, and intentional focusing on gore. In the film there is a woman who has all of her limbs ripped from her body by wild horses, a boulder is dropped upon an unsuspecting young man; the exploitation of brutality knows no bounds in Herschell Gordon Lewis’ movies. The modern day splatter films such as the Saw series and Final Destination pick up the reigns where movies like 2000 Maniacs and Blood Feast prospered and became popular among the drive-in crowds for their bad acting and relentless, mutilating visuals, which is a tradition that is easily followed but uneasily mastered. Just because a horror movie is violent doesn’t meant it’s good. There needs to be that positive intangible that Lewis’ films possessed – that glorified respect that comes with being a filmmaker and 2000 Maniacs has it in spades.

Recently, the film was remade by writer/director Tim Sullivan as 2001 Maniacs with Robert Englund donning the role of Mayor Buckman, and has been followed by a sequel 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams, and while these films honor the ideals of a splatter film, the look of the characters bodes more to a circus-type atmosphere where as Lewis’ original killers looked more like your next door neighbor, and in my opinion, made the movie much more frightening. 2000 Maniacs is an unsung classic among horror movies, and for those like myself who care more for the story rather than the gore, 2000 Maniacs is a welcomed exception to the standards because it reminds us that there have always been people drawn to the macabre and the bizarre, and in their arms that is where we feel free to be ourselves.

Aenigma - Movie Review

Aenigma is a 1987 effort by one of Italy’s best known horror directors, Lucio Fulci. In this grizzly tale of revenge and romance, in that order, the ugly duckling of St. Mary’s College – Kathy – has been set up by her fellow classmates into thinking that the fitness instructor Fred Vernon is attracted to her. Their entire evening is broadcast to Kathy’s classmates through a microphone Fred stashed in his car, and Kathy’s desperation for love and affection is overheard by the majority of her classmates who have been following the couple in their cars all night long. Finally, the joke is sprung on Kathy. She flees from the scene but the ruthless students chase her down in their cars. Kathy runs into a busy street and is hit by a truck. She winds up in a coma, and eventually goes brain dead but her voice carries on through the world.

Suddenly, one of St. Mary’s’ former students – Eva Gordon – returns from a sabbatical taken because of a nervous breakdown she had suffered, and there are no assumptions for the audience to make; Eva is shown to be possessed by Kathy, and one by one through mysterious powers Kathy through Eva begins seeking revenge on the individuals that wronged her causing her victims to experience horrifying hallucinations that become real and deadly. And somehow, Kathy’s mother – the university’s maid – has a hand in all of it.

Every time Kathy gains vengeance on someone, her brain dead body at the hospital begins to show signs of life, even healing. Then, Eva suffers an anxiety attack and the neurologist that is watching over Kathy – Dr. Robert Anderson – is called to the university to check on Eva. Kathy uses Eva to try getting the doctor to love her, but the doctor soon has eyes for the only person that showed Kathy any kindness, her roommate Jennifer. That does not sit well with the malicious, revenge-minded Kathy.

Lucio Fulci is a legend in Italian horror cinema. He was a suspenseful director, but his claim to fame was the detail in his killings with the gore he was willing to exploit for a movie. He had directed some giallo films, but he was always at his best with straight forward horror. In Aenigma, he is allowed to let his imagination run wild; there are deaths by smothering snails, animated statues, and even someone’s doppelganger. There are no computer effects in this movie, all of the fright scenes are genuinely handmade crafts, including some love-making cannibalism.

The rest of the movie is a bit harder to digest. The film supposedly takes place in Boston, Massachusetts but none of the actors look like they resided anywhere other than Central Europe for their entire lives, plus their English appears so physically broken it looks as though their dialogue had to be overdubbed by voice over artists in post-production. There are some plot-holes to deal with but the center piece of the story, Kathy’s longings to be loved by a man and to be accepted in her social scene are very clear. There is hardly any suspense in the movie and the story is hard to follow at times, but if you’re a fan of gore and disturbing images Aenigma and Lucio Fulci will not steer you wrong.

H20 (Halloween: 20 Years Later) - Movie Review

H20 which stands for Halloween: 20 Years Later was another attempt at jumpstarting the horror franchise as the audience and fans were asked to dismiss Halloweens 4, 5, and 6 and to think of this film as the official continuation of the story.


Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis; True Lies, Halloween) has moved away from Haddonfield, Illinois to a small city in Northern California and has changed her name to Keri Tate. She is now the headmistress of a prominent private school and suffers from post traumatic stress disorder caused by the tragic events from two decades ago. She still sees Michael around every corner, in every window reflection.

With her at the school is her seventeen-year old rebellious son, John (Josh Hartnett; The Faculty, 30 Days of Night). John knows all about his uncle Michael, and what he did to his mother and their family.

It is Halloween night in California, and the students of the school are being transported to a party being held at Yosemite that evening. Laurie is looking forward to a romantic evening alone with her love interest and school staff member Will Brennan (Adam Arkin; Sons of Anarchy). That night she tells Will her secret, and in doing so is stricken with a gruesome epiphany. John is seventeen-years-old, the same age she was when Michael escaped the asylum and hunted her, killing her friends. Laurie feels the chill within her bones once again and needs to walk the school grounds herself, armed with a revolver. While inspecting the school she discovers that John, his girlfriend, and some of their friends ditched the trip to Yosemite so they could have the school to themselves. They picked the wrong night to stay in. Michael Myers has found them, and he still wants Laurie dead.

H20 provides a few decent scares but nothing to jump out of the chair for. Most of the fright tactics used are intentionally overblown and provide no real mystery or suspense, not until Myers starts stalking his prey in the school’s hallways. The story was conceived by Kevin Williamson of Scream fame and his underling Robert Zappia, and was written by Williamson’s underlings Zappia and Matt Greenberg. They injected Scream-flavored, 90’s teeny bopper lacquer all over the movie and I really couldn’t wait until the killings started. Teenagers are such intolerable menaces and Michael had the right idea. Steve Miner (Lake Placid) directed it; he’s another one of Kevin Williamson’s go to directors, mostly for television.

The beginning was a nice treat. It brought back Nancy Stephens as Nurse Chambers from the original Halloween, and there is also a cameo by Jamie Lee Curtis’ mother – Janet Leigh whom people know best from the infamous shower scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. H20 is actually the second film that the two have appeared briefly together in. They also appeared in one of John Carpenter’s other creations – The Fog.

Chris Durand, a professional stuntman, has the honor of playing Michael Myers in this version. He seemed stiff, his movements were overly mechanical; no fluidity at all, and in the quiet moments – those parts when the mere blink of an eye can mean as much as a shout, or a head nod can be as creepy as a slithering hand, Durand overdoes it, particularly when Michael and Laurie meet eye to eye for the first time in the movie, but further along into the action he seems to settle into the role. He even seemed tiny, which was interesting because it did make Myers seem more human in a way, but Durand’s congealed movements didn’t help the situation.

The largest piece missing was Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis. Sadly, he had passed away before the movie began to get off the ground. The character is acknowledged in a voiceover by Tom Kane, unfortunately it is a lousy impersonation of Pleasance.

With the original Halloween and the other horror films she frequently made in the 80’s, Jamie Lee Curtis became the original Scream Queen, but in H20 the Scream Queen was more like a warrior and I enjoyed seeing her go toe to toe with her psychotic brother. H20 is worth at least one watch. Depending on how die-hard of a Halloween fan someone is, I think most of them will enjoy it more than I did while others can probably live without it all together. There was too much bubble gum in this version for me, Michael Myers didn’t feel threatening, but it made Laurie’s character relevant again and that’s really why I still bother with it. Besides, there are worse things out there – there’s still Halloween: Resurrection.

Marty - Movie Review

Marty stars Ernest Borgnine as a butcher in New York City. He’s thirty-fiver years old and lies with his mother. He sees himself as someone that was never meant for love and as chosen to live his life that way. He goes out with his friends, has drinks, but at the end of the night or early in the morning his friends have either wives to get home to or a wound up with a lady friend, leaving Marty alone and bound for home.


His mother loves him and treats him like the grownup child he seems to be at times; being a Polish immigrant and bearing six children, she doesn’t know what it is like not to be a mother. But still, she encourages Marty to live the night and find a nice girl, but Marty just feels worse because he thinks he knows that he’s never going to walk someone home at night or have that special call to make.

And then he meets Clara (Betsy Blair); things start to change, and so do a few people and their attitudes.

Marty is a simple story about a simple man with a great heart. He’s not the best looking guy around but what he lacks in looks he rebounds in virtue and class. He even makes sure to walk a lady down the sidewalk with his body on the street’s side, allowing the woman to have protection next to the buildings in case a car veered off the road. That was something my grandparents taught me when I was young, and it stuck, because they’d bash me over the head if I ever forgot.

Borgnine was born to play a role like this and he makes the most of it. He has a natural boyish charm that was perfect for Marty, and when it’s time to for seriousness or a case calls for an intellectual analysis – it’s greatly displayed. Marty might be a feel-good movie for some people, and really we all know someone exactly like Marty, so it’s nice to see these folks find some kind of happiness, whether it be in love, business, life in general; it’s good to see that kindness is indeed rewarded.

The Punisher (1989) - An Ode to the Underrated

In 1989, the movie industry embarked on a new phase of comic book adaptations not seen since the late 70's. The king of all cinematic costumed crime fighters that year and several years to come was Tim Burton’s Batman. Not since Richard Donner’s Superman starring Christopher Reeves had a comic book film sent so many geeks into a state of nerd nirvana (nerd-vana, if you would), and while it was by no means a perfect Batman film, it was the best thing the modern fanboy had seen film-wise in regards to the Dark Knight. I myself loved it but am also partial to the 1960’s version of Batman with all of its campiness topped with layer upon layer of cheese.


1989 quietly saw another another comic book come to life, but this one went straight to video; much like all of the Marvel movies made during the 1980’s and early 90’s, and there were some horrible films. Captain America (1990) was an utter disaster that spent two years on the shelf before being released directly to VHS, and Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four never even saw the light of day after it finished filming; but there was one shining light hidden beneath all of that cinematic squalor – The Punisher, starring Dolph Lundgren.

To me, this is still the standard when it comes to Punisher films. It took a simple crime story (written by Boaz Yakin) that was set in New York (unlike the 2004 reboot) and planted all the necessary elements to involve The Punisher. Frank Castle was forced to team up with the mafia in order to save the lives of mafia-leaders’ children from a ruthless yakuza boss. Meanwhile, Frank’s ex-police partner Jake Berkowitz (Louis Gossett, Jr.) still hunting him down, trying to help him, because if he doesn't catch him first, other police officers won't treat Frank with as much amenity as Jake is barely willing to allow Frank because of Frank's homicidal joyride.

This movie treated Frank Castle the way some comic book creators and fans see The Punisher – as a serial killer; a mass murderer. He lived in the sewers, rode around on an awesome motorcycle with intimidating, post-apocalyptic-type biker boots, and brandished an arsenal that would make the American Military jealous, and he killed every guilty gangster in sight. The movie was heavy on the action, had just the right amount of drama. It also turned out one of my personal favorite movie endings, but most appreciative – and this is what I feel is wrong with most of the superhero films of today – it was not an origin film. People wanted The Punisher, we got The Punisher right off the get go. No waiting for that tragic even that twists his conscience and mental stability. All of that is taken care of in a quick, detailed flashback sequence and then it’s back to The Punisher’s story.

Like Donner's Superman, Burton's Batman, and even Raimi's Spiderman – yet another character getting yet another reboot, we understand who and what The Punisher is and what he wants. This movie hit the ground running and didn’t stop, and I was thankful for that.

After I got to discuss this movie with other people that had seen it, the biggest complaint was that there was no skull on his shirt, and people allowed that single detail to deter them from all the good things offered by the film. After Batman Returns, neither Schumacher’s or Nolan’s costumes had the yellow oval which acts only as a target rather than a symbol. Standing in the shadows, that yellow oval would give Batman away instantly, much like Punisher’s large white skull. Batman is the symbol. Frank Castle is punishment.

This is still, in my opinion, the best Punisher movie out there; it had all the elements of a Punisher story and employed a great conflict that forced Frank Castle to team up with the thing he hated the most, which made for a great and greatly overlooked action movie.

Walking

Childhood isn’t something I think about. I have no desire returning to it and have found that I quite enjoy getting old. It probably has to do with being raised mostly by my grandparents who showed me at an early age what it meant to truly work and appreciate the things you have.


Even when I wasn’t helping them around the house or in the yard, I was playing with my toys by myself, playing outside by myself, or reading. Our neighborhood was not kind to strangers and my mother didn’t want me associating with the local kids or their families. If was playing outside and some kids asked me to play, she’d come out and make an excuse as to why I couldn’t go with them and why they couldn’t stay. Quite frankly, it didn’t bother me at all. I wasn’t the kind of kid who got along with his piers anyway. I was always more comfortable around adults because all I had to do was keep my mouth shut, be fat, and look cute.

The one thing I miss about childhood is being able to walk wherever I needed to go, or in actuality where I was meant to be at that particular time. Between certain ages of childhood, you’re allowed to walk, maybe to the end of your families property if you’re outside by yourself; and even if someone is outside with you, the furthest you can go is to the end of the block, but once I hit that age to where my family trusted me with my instincts, I was a ghost around the house. They didn’t know if I was home or not; if I was alive or dead, unless I stuck my head through the door telling someone I was home or I was going somewhere, and even then I still had no interest in making friends around my neighborhood. I liked being alone. And besides, the friends I did have were from school and both friends and school were nearly ten miles away; so, unless I bought some crack from the guy down the road that lived behind the chicken restaurant, used it, I wasn’t going to be walking or running ten miles at any time.

What I loved about walking was that I got to know the town, developing a real connection with it – and I don’t mean the people, because I really don’t care too much for those……things; no, I mean I feel like I got to hear the heartbeat of the town because we, the citizens, are the blood of a city. We make it run, we make it come alive, and when you stop and communicate with it one-on-one; when you can walk around and use the homeless people sleeping in front of department stores as hurdles, and smell the weed blowing from the skaters and thugs smoking underneath the expressway’s overpass, or know which alleys have discarded syringes from the crackheads and which ones don’t, there’s a part of your soul that melds with the soul of the city. The size of the city doesn’t matter, although some city’s designs are geared more towards driving than walking, which makes that element of that particular city something special, but there are always areas where you can walk and hear the city breathing.

The Slammin' Salmon - Movie Review

The Broken Lizard crew is back with Slammin’ Salmon, an homage to their days when they were working as waiters in college before filmmaking became their primary gigs.


Slammin’ Salmon is the restaurant where they all work. It is owned by retired boxing heavyweight champion Cleon Salmon who lives an extravagant lifestyle. It turns out that he owes the Yakuza twenty-thousand dollars after losing a bet on Japanese Albino hunting, so he’s bullying the weak-willed restaurant manager Rich Parente (Kevin Hefferman) into pushing the wait staff to bring in the money by the end of the night or Rich is going to feel the wrath of the champ’s fists.

For a lot of people, Broken Lizard may never be able to top Super Troopers but I’ve found that the more times I watch a Broken Lizard film the funnier it gets. I have the same viewing relationship with Ben Stiller’s directorial efforts like Zoolander and most of Amy Heckerling’s movies.

The first time I watched Slammin’ Salmon, I didn’t get a whole lot of thrills out of it, the jokes weren't clicking with me; but after giving it a second chance, I enjoyed it much more, and even more the third time. A big laugh-getter is Michael Clarke Duncan as Cleon. His grammar is hilariously flawed, he’s oblivious to common decency, and treats everyone like crap. He’s a wickedly funny character.

Another surprise is one of my favorite actors, Lance Henriksen, provides a cameo playing Dick Lobo; a television show creator and producer who hired one of the waiters, Connor (Steve Lemme), to be the lead role in his latest detective series because of his larger than life nose, but Connor was killed off after two episodes after receiving a nose job to reduce the size of it. I have always wanted to see Lance Henriksen verbally shred someone and my dream came true in this movie.

The rest of the staff stars Jay Chandrasekhar as the schizophrenic Nuts. If he forgets to take his med, he transforms into the insane Zongo. Eric Stolhanske plays Guy, an obnoxious playboy. Paul Soter plays dysfunctional twin brothers – the psychotic Dave and the humble Donnie. I wasn’t too keen on these guys doing two movies in a row where there are twin brothers, but it worked out just fine in both Beerfest and in Slammin’ Salmon.

The guys are accompanied by two waitresses – Mia, a ballerina in training, played by April Bowlby and the g-g-gorgeous Cobie Smulders who plays Tara the med student.

This is the first Broken Lizard film not directed by Jay Chandrasekhar; instead Kevin Heffernan took the reigns and did a fine job.

It took some time but Slammin’ Salmon became a ribald treat that I haven’t grown tired of. Michael Clarke Duncan stole the show for me, Lance Henriksen pulled off a great cameo, and the Broken Lizard gang kept bringing the funny.

Nick of Time - Movie Review

In 1995, Johnny Depp was already famous and a respected actor, but he wasn’t a movie star yet – he was still just an actor; one of my favorite secret treasures. Then along came the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and suddenly Johnny Depp was popular and desirable to an entirely newer, larger generation, and his respect and accolades as a great actor were also elevated.


When I first watched Nick of Time in the theater in 1995 I thought it was as close to a Tom Clancy type of story as Johnny Depp would probably ever get, but now with endless star power Tom Clancy might just be thinking of something specifically for Johnny Depp.

In Nick of Time, a recently widowed Gene Watson (Johnny Depp) has arrived in Los Angeles with his six-year-old daughter Lynn (Courtney Chase). They took the train from San Diego where they were attending the funeral for Gene’s wife and Lynn’s mother. Before they exit the terminal they are pulled aside by two government agents – Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones – who ask for his identification and then escort him to a parked van outside. Once inside the van, Gene is informed by Mr. Smith (Christopher Walken) that he is responsible for carrying out a murder at a hotel and if he does not perform this task within the next ninety minutes, a very trigger-happy Ms. Jones (Roma Maffia; Nip/Tuck) will kill six-year-old Lynn. After some abusive influencing by Mr. Smith, Gene agrees to the dreadful deed. He is supplied with a sealed envelope containing the identity of the future victim and a revolver.

Every time Gene buckles under stress and attempts heeding the aid of anyone willing to listen, Mr. Smith appears from out of nowhere, seeming practically five feet away at all times and losing patience. After arriving at the hotel, during a morbidly coincidental moment Gene discovers that he has been sent to kill the Governor of California Eleanor Grant. Luckily, Gene does find someone willing to believe him yet reluctant to help; a shoe-shiner and ex-army veteran named Huey (Charles S. Dutton; Roc), and Gene does need all the help he can get when he finds out that Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones are not working alone, and their accomplices could be anyone anywhere inside that hotel.

Nick of Time feels like director John Badham (WarGames) is doing his best Hitchcock impersonation with mystery men appearing from thin air, the simple plot but complexity of the situation and the characters involved, which the script by Patrick Sheane Duncan (Mr. Holland’s Opus) provides the basis for. The film is steadily paced, but sometimes the tension isn’t tense enough; like someone took a misstep on to the mountain ridge five seconds before the rickety bridge collapses thousands of feet instead of one second. The actors make this movie better than it might be. Johnny Depp turns in his usual thespian goodness, especially because I believe this is the least dynamic character he has ever played which is exactly what the story called for. Instead, he lets Christopher Walken take the reigns of awkwardness with a mindset of malice fueling his desire to complete the mission. As a large fan of both actors it was a treat to see them working closely together for a large portion of the film. Charles Dutton turns in his typical, proud everyman performance but I haven’t ever seen him turn in a bad performance. Roma Maffia as Ms. Jones plays my kinda gal. She had no qualms over venting little Lynn’s skull with a bullet and was ready to kick and kill anyone’s ass that annoyed her. And Courtney Chase was such an adorable six-year-old girl. She was so cute, even when the barrel of the gun was pointed at her head.

Nick of Time is not one of Johnny Depp’s more notable films, but it tells a good story at a consistent pace but with inconsistent tension; however the actors involved save it from imploding, and it was a personal treat seeing Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken share the screen.

Batman: Under the Red Hood - Movie Review

Batman: Under the Red Hood is the latest in DC’s animated straight-to-dvd releases. This story is adapted by Judd Winick from his time on the regular Batman comic book series which brought back to the DCU Jason Todd – the second Robin who killed by The Joker. The animation is loosely inspired by Dustin Nguyen’s excellent artwork from the same story, while the movie is directed by DC animation regular and long-time animation director Brandon Vietti (Batman:Brave & the Bold, Superman/Doomsday).


In this story, Gotham City has a new vigilante in town with a familiar name – The Red Hood, which the Joker (John Di Maggio; Futurama) admits in this movie to having used that moniker in a previous life. However, this vigilante doesn’t practice the same honorable methods that Batman does. The Red Hood (Jensen Ackles; Supernatural) has no qualms about killing and controlling crime rather than stopping it because he knows crime in Gotham will never end, and the current Gotham kingpin – Black Mask (Wade Williams) – is taking the biggest hit in business because of this new/old face. So, after several fruitless attempts to kill him on his own, Black Mask’s desperation leads him to strike a deal with Gotham’s own devil – The Joker. All he wants him to do is kill Red Hood, but with The Joker you are always guaranteed to get more than you bargained for.

Batman (Bruce Greenwood) has his own interests invested in Red Hood’s identity because every time they encounter one another, there seems to be a rising familiarity about whom this person is; from their fighting style to the personal knowledge that the Red Hood knows about Batman and Brue Wayne. All of the evidence suggests the unthinkable – that Batman’s greatest failure may have formed into a living, breathing, trigger-happy ghost by the name of Jason Todd; the only sidekick that died while serving under Batman’s supervision, and died at the hands of The Joker.

Aided by Nightwing (Neil Patrick Harris), even though he doesn’t want to be, Batman searches for clues as to who this Red Hood is and if there is any possibility that it could in fact be Jason. His search leads them to a fight with an Amazo android and takes Batman to the lair of Ra’s Ah Ghul (Jason Isaacs) and of course, to a confrontation with both the Red Hood and The Joker.

Batman: Under the Red Hood is heavy on the action and it is animated quite well. Every punch, kick, slam, and acrobatic assault comes out clearly. The voice-acting is fine; I feel that a lot of fans might take issue with Di Maggio’s interpretation of The Joker as he seems to be slightly more refined and less hysterical than previous incarnations, but I got used to it and even felt him channeling Mark Hammil’s version towards the end. Given more opportunities I think John Di Maggio would make an excellent Joker all around, but I’ll have to settle for a weekly dose of Bender on Futurama. To me, the standout was Neil Patrick Harris. Even though I knew he was playing Nightwing, hearing him act it out was a very cool experience; it rarely sounded like his own voice at all and fit Nightwing quite well.

Having read all of the stories that were involved in bringing this moment in Batman’s life to fruition, the changes made for the animated movie were understandable and didn’t detract from the viewing experience in any way, and although it is explained – the emotional and psychological toll that Jason’s death took on Batman/Bruce Wayne, I wouldn’t have minded a little snippet showing just how close Batman came to crossing that line he swore he never would, but really I have nothing to complain about. Batman: Under the Red Hood is a finely adapted tale about an important part of Batman’s life and is not at all a bad time-killer, and for the die hard fans; maybe, eventually a worthy purchase.

CIty Island - Movie Review

City Island is the latest New York tale from writer/director Raymond De Felitta. Most of his films pertain to the complexities and social awkwardness of families living in New York, particularly the Bronx, and City Island is no different.


The movie takes place in City Island, a small fishing village in the Bronx. The story revolves around a correction’s officer named Vince Rizzo (Andy Garcia), the co-head of a family so dysfunctional you start wondering what makes yours so terrible. He has an emotional landmine as his wife- Joyce (Julianna Marguiles); a snarky, hormonally evolving teenage son – Vince jr. (Ezra Miller), and the college girl secretly turned stripper – Vivian (Dominik Garcia-Lorido).

Vince’s opening monologue is up front and honest about the film’s theme; secrets. Everyone has them, and everyone has that one deep secret, the secret that could change lives, and everyone in the Rizzo family has their own. Vivian hasn’t told her family about losing her college scholar ship and turning to stripping to pay for her education. Vince jr. hasn’t told anyone about his fetish for big, plump women and his infatuation with the big, bodacious beauty across the street. Joyce hasn’t told Vince that she doesn’t believe him when he says he’s going to playing poker, and that’s because Vince is not playing poker – he’s attending acting classes. And no one in the family is willing to confess to anyone else in the family that they smoke.

Vince’s desire to become an actor is not his big secret. One day at work he notices a convict in his mid-twenties with a familiar last name – Tony Nardella – and immediately Vince knows exactly who Tony (Steven Strait) is. Tony is the son Vince abandoned a different lifetime ago, before Tony was ever born, and whom he has never told anyone in his family about. Tony’s eligibility for parole requires that he be released to a family member, but the only family he knew was an abusive mother – the pregnant, psychotic lover that Vince left all those years ago, and she has since died. Vince decides to assume responsibility for Tony’s release and takes him home, convincing him that he’s there only to help Vince build a bathroom in the boatshed for his wife.

Soon, after witnessing outlandish arguments amongst the family, and discovering everyone’s secrets, Tony starts thinking that life in prison wasn’t half as bad as being stuck with these people.

Emily Mortimer plays Tanya, Vince’s acting partner, motivator, and sole confidante who has a secret of her own that she will share with Vince, but only at the right time. The always entertaining Alan Arkin has a small role as the acting coach Michael Malakov and aside from verbally bashing Vince’s favorite actor, Marlon Brando, he is really underused, but considering the story was trying to tell – it may have been a struggle to fit him in anywhere else.

City Island is a funny, passionate, emotional rollercoaster ride from beginning to end. You see the Rizzo’s marriage falling apart bit by bit, and with Tony now involved in their lives you understand what could happen and even if it does happen you still find yourself laughing at the whole situation. With the two children, most of the time you feel like slapping them but at least Vince jr. comes back with humor and shows his weak link when it comes to talking to the kinds of girls he prefers – Vivian comes across as more of a dying fish that’s beached on the ocean. She just needs to be picked up and tossed back in order to be alright, but the scene at the dinner table discussing her curiously, still-enlarging chest parts is gut-busting. And this is the most that I have enjoyed Andy Garcia in a very long time. His comedic timing is excellent while shifting between dramatic moments at the drop of a hat. Great acting combined with a meaningful, well-told story make City Island worthwhile viewing.

Robin Hood (2010) - Movie Review

Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe reunite once more to bring us something that absolutely no one asked for – another Robin Hood interpretation. However, this particular story talks about the man before the legend was created, back when he was not Robin Hood but Robin Longstride, an archer in the army of King Richard Coeur de Lion (Danny Huston) caught in the midst of war with the French.


After the king dies in battle, Robin and his three followers Will Scarlett, Alan-a-Dale and Little John, (Scott Grimes, Alan Doyle, Kevin Durand) abandon the war and try to return home. Along the way they find an ambushed platoon of English soldiers who were in charge of returning the slain king’s crown back to England. Among these soldiers is a dying Sir Robert Loxley who is attempting to right a wrong that he felt he committed against his father – stealing his blind father’s sword before leaving for battle. Sir Robert makes Robin promise to return the sword to his father, Sir Walter Loxley (Max Von Sydow).

To gain voyage on the ship back to England, the rogue quartet disguise themselves as English soldiers; Robin Longstride assumes the identity of Sir Robert Loxley.

With King Richard dead, his miserly son, Prince John (Oscar Isaac) takes control of England and begins leveling outrageous taxes amongst all the citizens, and if they cannot pay they are banished or killed. Prince John’s – now King John’s ravenous reign stretches into to desolate village Nottingham where Robin and his crew have returned to fulfill Robin’s vow to Sir Robert. When he does so, Robin meets Marion Loxley (Cate Blanchett), now Sir Robert’s widow. She takes him to meet Sir Walter. After hearing the news of the death of his son, Sir Walter hatches a plan – in order so that the family will not lose their land, Robin must continue to portray himself as Sir Robert, and if he does so, Sir Walter will tell Robin about the father that Robin says abandoned him when he was only a child.

Soon, Robin sees what King John is doing to the people of England, so he gathers his friends and slowly the legend of Robin Hood starts to rise, culminating in one last battle against an invading French army.

It took several years and even more script revisions for this film to happen. Originally, Ridley Scott had intended for the Sherriff of Nottingham to use primitive detective skills in order to bring down Robin Hood. Russell Crowe had even mentioned wanting to play both the Sherriff and Robin Hood, but after so many rewrites and interference from Universal Pictures, what finally made it to the big screen was an entertaining action-adventure film. It did not have the “epic” feel that perhaps Gladiator did, but script bared no empty space and the whole cast delivered lustrous performances for their explosive characters. There was a moment when I wondered if I was going to be getting out of the theater any time soon, and I also wondered how unattractive the other women in Nottingham must have been if Cate Blanchett was the best that Robin Longstride could settle for, but luckily the film picked itself back up and once again harnessed my complete interest. It was time well spent and a good movie to lose one’s self in.

Arsenic and Old Lace - Movie Review

The movie Arsenic and Old Lace is a comedy based on a play by Joseph Kesselring. The film version is directed by legendary filmmaker Frank Capra who is responsible for other classics such as It’s a Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and one of my personal favorites – Meet John Doe. The screenplay was co-written by Julius J. Epstein and his twin brother Philip G. Epstein, both of whom were also responsible for the screenplay version of Casablanca.


The story centers on a drama critic and playwright, Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant; North by Northwest) who has returned to his childhood home in Brooklyn, New York where he has agreed to marry his long-time sweetheart, Elaine Harper (Priscilla Lane; the Four Daughters trilogy), despite Mortimer's best-selling book revolves around the negative aspects of being in an intimate relationship.

 When the happy couple stops by the Brewster home occupied by his two aunts and his younger brother Teddy, Mortimer discovers a few things; that his brother Teddy is threatening to be arrested by the local police for blowing his bugle at the most improper times. Mortimer soon realizes that Teddy is in fact delusional, believing himself to be Teddy Roosevelt, and is need of being committed.

Another discovery Mortimer makes while in the Brewster home – there is an elderly man’s corpse inside the window seat, bringing Mortimer to suspect Teddy of murder, but when he brings it to the attention of his two aunts – Abby and Martha – they confess to killing not just one elderly man, but an entire dozen; all of them buried in their basement by Teddy. The aunts claim that all of these elderly men were lonely and sick, and that they were cheerfully doing them an honorable service by poisoning them with wine so that the men would finally find peace.

And that is simply the beginning of Mortimer’s troubles. Soon, there are visitors arriving to look at the rooms for rent that are almost poisoned by the aunts. Mortimer is too distracted to pay any attention to Elaine, so she begins having doubts about their relationship. Mortimer is trying to get the blame for the murders placed on Teddy because he loves his Aunts to much to send them to prison, but to have Teddy committed to the Happydale Asylum Teddy himself needs to sign the papers, which he will not do. Then, to make the worst of a bad situation, Moritmer’s older brother Jonathan (Raymond Massey) returns with a new, horrific face and his assistant who is really his plastic surgeon Dr. Einstein (Peter Lorre; Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon). Jonathan has been running around the United States committing murders of his own and once he discovers unfilled graves in the basement, he’s happily enticed to commit on more murder – his dear brother Mortimer, whom Jonathan has hated their entire lives.

Arsenic and Old Lace is a film where the entire cast is running around frantically, acting over the top with their silliness and quick witted with their zingers. This is Frank Capra having a vacation at work watching Cary Grant exert his frustrations through actions fans of the Three Stooges would be proud of while slowly and humorously descending into the madness that surrounds his whole family. Raymond Massey applies a great dastard and gothic demeanor, matching his character’s mangled face, and his feral reactions to anyone that says he looks like Boris Karloff are outrageous, while Peter Lorre once again does best as the humble, slightly disturbed sidekick.

Arsenic and Old Lace is fun-time viewing from start to finish bringing and intellectual comedic light to a subject so morbid, very few modern filmmakers could pull off something so funny without being tempted to sink into the gutter, but those were different days with different principles back in 1944. Still, it’s nice to go back to the days of fast thinkers and gut-busting one-liners. That’s one of the greatest things movies offer us; a chance to go back in time.

Max - Movie Review

Max tells the story of Max Rothman, possibly the last man standing between the Adolf Hitler that could have been and the Adolf Hitler that history has shown us. Max Rothman is an art dealer living in Germany, having recently returned from the trenches of World War I where he lost his right arm in battle.


During the evening of an art show, Max encounters a scrawny, nervous young man who says he is an artist. Max looks at his portfolio and sees potential, but no passion. He asks the young man if he could paint some more, tapping deeper into his sub-conscious to unleash this fragile passion. The young man agrees. Max asks his name – Adolf Hitler, the man replies.

At this time, Corporal Adolf Hitler has also just returned from fighting in the First World War, but where Max returned to family and wealth, Hitler returned to and empty bunk. He has no family, no home, and the only money he earns is from the German army which he claims is the only reason he remains with them – they pay his expenses. However, where Max sees an inspiring artist, the German army – namely Captain Mayr - sees someone whose true artistic grace is politics; to sway the minds of people with his voice instead of a paintbrush.

Thus, in order to earn more money, Hitler decides to follow orders and begins orating for the German Army, crying out against the Jews even though Hitler admits to admiring them for keeping their blood pure; fornicating and marrying only within their own race, and praising them for being hard workers all the while baring his true convictions to Max Rothman who keeps trying to convince Hitler to continue painting, even buying pieces on consignment out of pity.

Max Rothman is one of John Cusack’s better performances, because he has always been a good, popular actor but never one that has been considered an Oscar contender. That’s never stopped him from being one of my personal all-time favorites, but this time he steps further outside of himself more than he normally does. Noah Taylor (Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky) does an excellent job as a young, querulous Adolf Hitler; though he may not have the complete physical look of the man he does execute well the mannerisms and verbal tirades that the world is familiar with.

Max is a small film that, like most fact-based films, changes truth and manipulates history to better serve the Hollywood story. But it is a movie that challenges ideals – friendship and war, passion and complacency. Max and Hitler are polar opposites whose only common link is art. Max is a confident free spirit who is willing to bend the rules of marriage with a mistress while Hitler is an insecure cynic on the verge of an emotional breakdown with the drop of a single tree leaf, and despite Max Rothman’s best attempts we all know that the leaf indeed did fall, breaking the artist and creating the monster.

Predators - Movie Review

After two substandard attempts in bringing the biggest and baddest on-screen aliens together in Aliens vs. Predator and the worse Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, the attention finally shifts back solely to one of them – the Predator species.

Predators is an attempt to relaunch the franchise while serving as a sequel. This installment finds eight strangers of various military and socially violent backgrounds mysteriously transported to a planet. None of them aware how they arrived, simply awakening in freefall strapped to a parachute

After the awkward introductions and established suspicions of each others intentions, the group sees no choice other than to band together with Royce (Adrien Brody), a rogue mercenary leading the way, although he has no qualms over anyone not wanting to follow his command and are more than welcomed to go their own way.

During the trek trough the cryptic jungle, the group continues finding signs of life either long dead or on the prowl; totems, cages, but each clue leads only to further confusion. Once the crew makes it to an elevated mountain range it becomes evident that they are no longer on Earth. Then, after a brief skirmish with fierce alien beasts established in the role of hunting dogs, the group realizes that they are not lost, they are prey.

Predators takes its source material primarily from the first film, even directly acknowledging it at one point and then subtly in over a half-dozen shout outs within the script and scenes. The cast is made up of the usual filters for killing and the main players. The more notable names are Adrien Brody, the gorgeous Alice Braga (Redbelt, Repo Men), Topher Grace (best known for That 70’s Show, unfortunately known as Venom/Eddie Brock from Spiderman 3), Laurence Fishburne (Hoodlum, C.S.I.) who plays a survivor from a previous hunt, Danny Trejo, and the up and coming Walton Goggins who played Shane on The Shield and will be seen in more television shows and films in the months to come.

Predators tries to revive the magic that made the first film such a success, unfortunately it does not help that the movie travels like these lost, meandering killers – at a snail’s pace. The movie reestablishes what the Predators are and how they hunt, which may prove useful to newcomers to the series but for those of us that are already familiar with the creatures it can prove to be a drawback as it was for me. I nearly dozed off several times and even hoped that I would need to use the restroom soon.

There are only two new pieces of information about the Predators revealed in the film, one is a hunting tool and the other relates to the evolution and customs of their species; other than that, there is just a lot of empty space in between the limited, poorly filmed action sequences. There are some twists and turns amongst the relationships within the group but instead of building them up through character development, they are used simply as shock treatments and don’t really add any meat to a thin script.

With Robert Rodriguez putting only co-producing this movie and moving the production from Fox Studios to his own Troublemaker Studios to have more creative control, he may have been better off undertaking the film completely, which was the original plan back in the late-90’s. Ridley Scott is hoping to return glory to the Alien franchise with a couple of prequels. Here’s hoping for some light at the end of a continuously disappointing tunnel, and hoping there’s no parachute-less freefall at the end of it.

Funny People - Move Review

Funny People was brought to us by Judd Apatow himself - written and directed – during the cooling off period of Apatow-mania. This film was described by Apatow as a “passion project,” and is based on moments in real life experiences from him and comedians.



Adam Sandler plays highly successful comedian/movie star George Simmons. He has gained all the luxuries that life could possibly offer someone of his career status but is thrown a harsh reality check when a trip to the doctor’s office shatters his entire world. He is diagnosed with a distinct, surely incurable blood disease.


After soaking in the news, he decides he wants to return to standup comedy on a regular basis. During an impromptu appearance where his grim attitude is beginning to show in his stage material, he meets upcoming comedian and George Simmons fan - Ira Wright (Seth Rogen). Ira is the farthest behind in the standup game; still working at a deli shop and sleeping on the foldout couch in the apartment rented out by his two friends Leo (Jonah Hill) and Mark (Jason Schwartzman). Leo’s standup career is slightly further along than Ira’s and Mark is already starring in his own high-school sitcom that all of his friends find painfully unfunny and degrading. It’s a low-grade mockery of Head of the Class.


Once Ira goes on stage he takes shots at the seemingly grim George Simmons and then has a fate-filled meeting with him afterwards in the parking lot where George complements Ira on his material and then tries to mow him down with his truck. The next day, Ira finds himself working as Simmons’ assistant, joke-writer, and all-day-insult-taker.


Eventually, George opens up to Ira about the disease and hopes that Ira will keep it a secret while George comes to terms with it himself and the people he knows best, which are not many because after he found success he did everything possible to alienate all of his loved ones away, including his ex-girlfriend Laura, whom he lost by being unfaithful. But once she finds out about the disease, they suddenly start rekindling some form of a relationship despite Laura already being married to a business executive, Clarke (Eric Bana) and having two daughters. Needless to say, here comes trouble.


Adam Sandler’s performance is good if not for the redundant granny voice routine. Rogen’s character is more innocent than any other role he’s taken and he plays it well, especially when it comes to being clueless about women. What I really liked is that Erica Bana doesn’t hide his Australian accent, and I wish Hollywood would allow these foreign actors to stop faking an American one, even though most of them are great at it while others like Gerard Butler make for great spoofing material on sketch comedy shows.


Funny People starts off strong and tries to be an emotional rollercoaster. There are many amusing and laughable moments throughout the film, including Eminem cursing out Ray Romano and Ira’s breakdown in front of George in a public restaurant, but once the film hits the middle – it doesn’t necessarily fall apart, but the story just isn’t as good anymore. It flames out and doesn’t care to be reignited, and then it keeps going and going and going, becoming one of those films that should have ended when it had the chance.

Observe and Report - Movie Review

Observe and Report is a film that came out at the apex of Judd Apatow and his crew's power hour in Hollywood. This movie was written and directed by an Apatow regular from behind the camera – Jody Hill. He wrote and directed several episodes of Eastbound and Down and directed The Foot the Fist Way, both of which are starring vehicles for Danny McBride who has a cameo in Observe and Report.



This movie stars Seth Rogen as Ronnie Barnhardt; a bi-polar, medicated, mall security guard. He is obsessed with honoring the ideals of truth and justice at just about any cost. Meanwhile, he’s trying to win the affections of whom he considers the prettiest girl in the mall – the dull-witted, and whole lot of little bit slutty Brandi, played by Anna Faris of Scary Movie infamy; even though the girl in the wheelchair working at the cookie stand, Nell (Collette Wolfe) hints to Ronnie that she likes him. Ronnie also enjoys harassing his self-labeled mall terrorist Saddamn, played by Aziz Ansari.


There is a flasher running around Ronnie’s mall, showing off his nasty bits and pieces to all the pretty ladies and Brandi becomes his latest victim, sending Ronnie and his misfit crew on a mission to bring down the elusive pervert. Also, there has been a string of robberies from stores in the mall, so now the police become involved on both cases, opening an investigation led by Detective Harrison played by Ray Liotta (Goodfellas), a no-nonsense detective who could really care less about the pervert and is more interested in the robberies. Through him Ronnie finds inspiration and tries to become a police officer while getting on Detective Harrison’s nerves and there is nothing better, more offensive – meaning funnier – than a pissed off Ray Liotta, which is what Detective Harrison is.


Observe and Report is comedy at its darkest. Ronnie Barnhardt is an intense character that is as violent as he is amusing. Some of the funnier moments happen when Ronnie is at home, nursing his alcoholic mother well-played by movie veteran Celia Weston. Chances are you’ve seen her in a movie or television show at some time, you just don’t know which one but it’ll come to you later.


Ronnie’s co-workers are funny as well; the gun-happy, heavyset Asian twins John Yuen and Matt Yuen, played by John Yuan and Matt Yuan. Yes, you read that correctly. Also helping Ronnie is the drug-loving, thrill-riding Dennis, played insanely by Michael Pena, another movie and television veteran. Trust me, you’ve seen him before. In Observe and Report, he delivers one of his most memorable performances and provides a hilarious, eye-opening moment in the middle of the film.


Seth Rogen once again plays the loveable loser, only now the loveable loser doesn’t see himself as a loser at all and might not be so loveable to all audiences because his love for justice is a passion so intense, blood will be shed. One moment best representing his convictions comes when Nell’s manager (Patton Oswalt) and her co-worker are making fun of her, forcing Nell to tears in front of Ronnie, forcing Ronnie to go OFF on both of them. Ronnie’s also not afraid to tase mall employees or trade racially facetious dialogue with Saddamn; which left me laughing long after the scene was over.


Observe and Report is not a movie that everyone will like or maybe even understand, but for those that enjoy the sadistic side of comedy this is a movie that might appeal to them. It did to me, and some of my friends might even say there’s a bit of Double Barrel in it. He’s a nice guy. I hope you all get to meet him some day.

Double Barrel Reviews Surrogates

A flick that proves what lazy pieces of shit human beings really are and have yet to become.

Some folks invent the Surrogates, which are cyborgs initially created for military purposes but then get optioned out to the general public, which finds the movie poking fun at the current state of modern medical technology - you know lasic surgery was available over a decade before your next door opthamologist started marketing sports figures and phone call discounts to lure you in - and suddenly somebody important to the Surrogate technology is murdered when he's screwing some whore through his Surrogate - because, let's face it; nothing gets done until somebody White and important to something dies, but in the technological world of Surrogates, that is incapable of happening - meaning there's a brand new weapon on the loose.

So, the Die Hard guy and his blonde, cougar sidekick are in charge of solving the case, but during the whole ordeal, Hudson Hawk's Surrogate is badly damaged, so - God forbid - he actually has to experience life for himself, which is the message he spreads out to everyone else, including his wife whome he feels so disconnected to lately. Hmmmm; wonder why?

The fick is based off the graphic novel, which is a nice way of saying "comics for grown ups," and it wasn't even a graphic novel, it was a multi-part mini-series, but since it got collected into a trade paperback (tpb), it is now considered a graphic novel. Anywho, the whole paper strip thing was written by Robert Venditti, drawn by Brett Weldele, and the flick was made by who-gives-a-damn....RENT IT, and wait until it's, like, $.99 or something. I mean, I love THE BRUCE - LOVE THE BRUCE, but the entire message of the film had me squeezing my beverage more out of stress relief than for excitement because all this film did was remind me about how selfish, languid, and pathetic human beings can really be.

Gotta go; neighbor's bitching about a flaming arrow shot through his front door - not that I know anything about that or the crap he keeps dumping in the no-dump zone of the alley. Peace, and get laid - - soon.

Shut This Off! A Warning to Entertainment Politics Rookies

I'm tired of movie reviewers suggesting that people "shut their brains off" when they watch a certain film if they want to enjoy it. What kind of cop-out is that? Just say it - The movie sucks! Because, gawd forbid I piss and shit all over myself while watching any overrated Shrek film because I had to "shut my brain off," in order to enjoy it. Then, all that makes me is the guy that peed and soiled his pants during the overrated Shrek film.

I could easily urinate and defecate myself while watching the Transformers movies, but that's only because they are so mind-numbingly stupid, they cause a glitch in your synaptic gap, ceasing control over your bodily functions, but I know exactly when to piss because sometimes I can't go in the bathroom, but all I have to do is think about Megan Fox - not because I want to have sex with her, I'd just like to piss on her - and Diablo Cody - and Ellen Page - and Stephanie Meyers. Again, please note: I do not want to have sex with these women. I just want to give'em a good ole frustration urination bath. And when I have trouble removing a hefty, bowel biscuit from my intestines, I just think of good old Shia and all the films he's helped turn to crap and everything he has not accomplished to become so successful.

Tell me to shut my brain off again; I'll gladly do it standing over your keyboard bludgeoned, unconscious, pathetic excuse for a writer's body while I think long and hard about those Transformers movies after I've eaten the entire left-side of Taco Bell's menu and spent three hours tossing back liquor with an Irish soccer team.

Assassins - Movie Review

Assassins takes us into the post-Cold War era of the arms race where there are too many weapons floating around and more than enough mercenaries and private militias willing to acquire them and use them for their own personal, which usually also means “financial” gains. The only person that seems to want out of the business is the best militia-artist of them all – Robert Rath (Sylvester Stallone; Rocky, Copland)


Robert Rath is tired of the killing trade and is looking for a way out; of course, in a business where secrecy is not just something upheld; it is something as common as the sky being blue, and Rath is involved in a business from which no one can just walk away.

Rath’s employers then hire Miguel Bain (Antonio Banderas; Mambo Kings, Original Sin) – a student of the assassination creed and a personal fan of Robert Rath. He is assigned a dream job – eliminate the top killer and become number one in the business.

Hindering everyone’s plans is a computer hacker known only as Electra (Julian Moore; Boogie Nights, Hannibal). She is supposed to be Rath’s last assignment, and the setup for Miguel Bain to kill both her and Rath. However, Rath is able to stay one step ahead of Bain reluctantly relying on Electra who is all too willing to return the reluctance, but Rath has an idea on how both of them can disappear without a trace if they can continue evading the crosshairs of Miguel Bain.

There is a lot of talent involved with this movie both in front and behind the camera. The movie was directed by Richard Donner of Superman and Lethal Weapon notoriety from a story pitched by the Wachowski brothers – of course; now, one brother and one sister (Bound, The Matrix trilogy), and a fun script penned by the then-two-brothers and Brian Helgeland (Payback, Man on Fire, 976-Evil).

The emotions of lost identity and hopes for escape are played well by Stallone and Moore as each one has ghosts in their closet that they know they will have to face, especially Stallone’s character whose ghost is a constant reminder of fate, where as Electra is his reminder of faith.

Antonio Banderas steals the show. At this point he was still breaking into the Hollywood game but had already made an exciting impact in Mambo Kings. In Assassins he tears loose as the anxious, wild-eyed assassin and doesn’t care who gets caught in the frenzy, and he looks like he enjoyed every moment of it.

Assassins is a well told, well paced action film with some scenes reminding you that there are human beings that just want to live a normal life because they don’t like what their real normality is, while there are others that get a kick out of living by causing misery to others; not to say that they don’t respect what others have accomplished, they are just tired of waiting for their time in the spotlight to come.