H20 (Halloween: 20 Years Later) - Movie Review

H20 which stands for Halloween: 20 Years Later was another attempt at jumpstarting the horror franchise as the audience and fans were asked to dismiss Halloweens 4, 5, and 6 and to think of this film as the official continuation of the story.


Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis; True Lies, Halloween) has moved away from Haddonfield, Illinois to a small city in Northern California and has changed her name to Keri Tate. She is now the headmistress of a prominent private school and suffers from post traumatic stress disorder caused by the tragic events from two decades ago. She still sees Michael around every corner, in every window reflection.

With her at the school is her seventeen-year old rebellious son, John (Josh Hartnett; The Faculty, 30 Days of Night). John knows all about his uncle Michael, and what he did to his mother and their family.

It is Halloween night in California, and the students of the school are being transported to a party being held at Yosemite that evening. Laurie is looking forward to a romantic evening alone with her love interest and school staff member Will Brennan (Adam Arkin; Sons of Anarchy). That night she tells Will her secret, and in doing so is stricken with a gruesome epiphany. John is seventeen-years-old, the same age she was when Michael escaped the asylum and hunted her, killing her friends. Laurie feels the chill within her bones once again and needs to walk the school grounds herself, armed with a revolver. While inspecting the school she discovers that John, his girlfriend, and some of their friends ditched the trip to Yosemite so they could have the school to themselves. They picked the wrong night to stay in. Michael Myers has found them, and he still wants Laurie dead.

H20 provides a few decent scares but nothing to jump out of the chair for. Most of the fright tactics used are intentionally overblown and provide no real mystery or suspense, not until Myers starts stalking his prey in the school’s hallways. The story was conceived by Kevin Williamson of Scream fame and his underling Robert Zappia, and was written by Williamson’s underlings Zappia and Matt Greenberg. They injected Scream-flavored, 90’s teeny bopper lacquer all over the movie and I really couldn’t wait until the killings started. Teenagers are such intolerable menaces and Michael had the right idea. Steve Miner (Lake Placid) directed it; he’s another one of Kevin Williamson’s go to directors, mostly for television.

The beginning was a nice treat. It brought back Nancy Stephens as Nurse Chambers from the original Halloween, and there is also a cameo by Jamie Lee Curtis’ mother – Janet Leigh whom people know best from the infamous shower scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. H20 is actually the second film that the two have appeared briefly together in. They also appeared in one of John Carpenter’s other creations – The Fog.

Chris Durand, a professional stuntman, has the honor of playing Michael Myers in this version. He seemed stiff, his movements were overly mechanical; no fluidity at all, and in the quiet moments – those parts when the mere blink of an eye can mean as much as a shout, or a head nod can be as creepy as a slithering hand, Durand overdoes it, particularly when Michael and Laurie meet eye to eye for the first time in the movie, but further along into the action he seems to settle into the role. He even seemed tiny, which was interesting because it did make Myers seem more human in a way, but Durand’s congealed movements didn’t help the situation.

The largest piece missing was Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis. Sadly, he had passed away before the movie began to get off the ground. The character is acknowledged in a voiceover by Tom Kane, unfortunately it is a lousy impersonation of Pleasance.

With the original Halloween and the other horror films she frequently made in the 80’s, Jamie Lee Curtis became the original Scream Queen, but in H20 the Scream Queen was more like a warrior and I enjoyed seeing her go toe to toe with her psychotic brother. H20 is worth at least one watch. Depending on how die-hard of a Halloween fan someone is, I think most of them will enjoy it more than I did while others can probably live without it all together. There was too much bubble gum in this version for me, Michael Myers didn’t feel threatening, but it made Laurie’s character relevant again and that’s really why I still bother with it. Besides, there are worse things out there – there’s still Halloween: Resurrection.

Marty - Movie Review

Marty stars Ernest Borgnine as a butcher in New York City. He’s thirty-fiver years old and lies with his mother. He sees himself as someone that was never meant for love and as chosen to live his life that way. He goes out with his friends, has drinks, but at the end of the night or early in the morning his friends have either wives to get home to or a wound up with a lady friend, leaving Marty alone and bound for home.


His mother loves him and treats him like the grownup child he seems to be at times; being a Polish immigrant and bearing six children, she doesn’t know what it is like not to be a mother. But still, she encourages Marty to live the night and find a nice girl, but Marty just feels worse because he thinks he knows that he’s never going to walk someone home at night or have that special call to make.

And then he meets Clara (Betsy Blair); things start to change, and so do a few people and their attitudes.

Marty is a simple story about a simple man with a great heart. He’s not the best looking guy around but what he lacks in looks he rebounds in virtue and class. He even makes sure to walk a lady down the sidewalk with his body on the street’s side, allowing the woman to have protection next to the buildings in case a car veered off the road. That was something my grandparents taught me when I was young, and it stuck, because they’d bash me over the head if I ever forgot.

Borgnine was born to play a role like this and he makes the most of it. He has a natural boyish charm that was perfect for Marty, and when it’s time to for seriousness or a case calls for an intellectual analysis – it’s greatly displayed. Marty might be a feel-good movie for some people, and really we all know someone exactly like Marty, so it’s nice to see these folks find some kind of happiness, whether it be in love, business, life in general; it’s good to see that kindness is indeed rewarded.

The Punisher (1989) - An Ode to the Underrated

In 1989, the movie industry embarked on a new phase of comic book adaptations not seen since the late 70's. The king of all cinematic costumed crime fighters that year and several years to come was Tim Burton’s Batman. Not since Richard Donner’s Superman starring Christopher Reeves had a comic book film sent so many geeks into a state of nerd nirvana (nerd-vana, if you would), and while it was by no means a perfect Batman film, it was the best thing the modern fanboy had seen film-wise in regards to the Dark Knight. I myself loved it but am also partial to the 1960’s version of Batman with all of its campiness topped with layer upon layer of cheese.


1989 quietly saw another another comic book come to life, but this one went straight to video; much like all of the Marvel movies made during the 1980’s and early 90’s, and there were some horrible films. Captain America (1990) was an utter disaster that spent two years on the shelf before being released directly to VHS, and Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four never even saw the light of day after it finished filming; but there was one shining light hidden beneath all of that cinematic squalor – The Punisher, starring Dolph Lundgren.

To me, this is still the standard when it comes to Punisher films. It took a simple crime story (written by Boaz Yakin) that was set in New York (unlike the 2004 reboot) and planted all the necessary elements to involve The Punisher. Frank Castle was forced to team up with the mafia in order to save the lives of mafia-leaders’ children from a ruthless yakuza boss. Meanwhile, Frank’s ex-police partner Jake Berkowitz (Louis Gossett, Jr.) still hunting him down, trying to help him, because if he doesn't catch him first, other police officers won't treat Frank with as much amenity as Jake is barely willing to allow Frank because of Frank's homicidal joyride.

This movie treated Frank Castle the way some comic book creators and fans see The Punisher – as a serial killer; a mass murderer. He lived in the sewers, rode around on an awesome motorcycle with intimidating, post-apocalyptic-type biker boots, and brandished an arsenal that would make the American Military jealous, and he killed every guilty gangster in sight. The movie was heavy on the action, had just the right amount of drama. It also turned out one of my personal favorite movie endings, but most appreciative – and this is what I feel is wrong with most of the superhero films of today – it was not an origin film. People wanted The Punisher, we got The Punisher right off the get go. No waiting for that tragic even that twists his conscience and mental stability. All of that is taken care of in a quick, detailed flashback sequence and then it’s back to The Punisher’s story.

Like Donner's Superman, Burton's Batman, and even Raimi's Spiderman – yet another character getting yet another reboot, we understand who and what The Punisher is and what he wants. This movie hit the ground running and didn’t stop, and I was thankful for that.

After I got to discuss this movie with other people that had seen it, the biggest complaint was that there was no skull on his shirt, and people allowed that single detail to deter them from all the good things offered by the film. After Batman Returns, neither Schumacher’s or Nolan’s costumes had the yellow oval which acts only as a target rather than a symbol. Standing in the shadows, that yellow oval would give Batman away instantly, much like Punisher’s large white skull. Batman is the symbol. Frank Castle is punishment.

This is still, in my opinion, the best Punisher movie out there; it had all the elements of a Punisher story and employed a great conflict that forced Frank Castle to team up with the thing he hated the most, which made for a great and greatly overlooked action movie.

Walking

Childhood isn’t something I think about. I have no desire returning to it and have found that I quite enjoy getting old. It probably has to do with being raised mostly by my grandparents who showed me at an early age what it meant to truly work and appreciate the things you have.


Even when I wasn’t helping them around the house or in the yard, I was playing with my toys by myself, playing outside by myself, or reading. Our neighborhood was not kind to strangers and my mother didn’t want me associating with the local kids or their families. If was playing outside and some kids asked me to play, she’d come out and make an excuse as to why I couldn’t go with them and why they couldn’t stay. Quite frankly, it didn’t bother me at all. I wasn’t the kind of kid who got along with his piers anyway. I was always more comfortable around adults because all I had to do was keep my mouth shut, be fat, and look cute.

The one thing I miss about childhood is being able to walk wherever I needed to go, or in actuality where I was meant to be at that particular time. Between certain ages of childhood, you’re allowed to walk, maybe to the end of your families property if you’re outside by yourself; and even if someone is outside with you, the furthest you can go is to the end of the block, but once I hit that age to where my family trusted me with my instincts, I was a ghost around the house. They didn’t know if I was home or not; if I was alive or dead, unless I stuck my head through the door telling someone I was home or I was going somewhere, and even then I still had no interest in making friends around my neighborhood. I liked being alone. And besides, the friends I did have were from school and both friends and school were nearly ten miles away; so, unless I bought some crack from the guy down the road that lived behind the chicken restaurant, used it, I wasn’t going to be walking or running ten miles at any time.

What I loved about walking was that I got to know the town, developing a real connection with it – and I don’t mean the people, because I really don’t care too much for those……things; no, I mean I feel like I got to hear the heartbeat of the town because we, the citizens, are the blood of a city. We make it run, we make it come alive, and when you stop and communicate with it one-on-one; when you can walk around and use the homeless people sleeping in front of department stores as hurdles, and smell the weed blowing from the skaters and thugs smoking underneath the expressway’s overpass, or know which alleys have discarded syringes from the crackheads and which ones don’t, there’s a part of your soul that melds with the soul of the city. The size of the city doesn’t matter, although some city’s designs are geared more towards driving than walking, which makes that element of that particular city something special, but there are always areas where you can walk and hear the city breathing.

The Slammin' Salmon - Movie Review

The Broken Lizard crew is back with Slammin’ Salmon, an homage to their days when they were working as waiters in college before filmmaking became their primary gigs.


Slammin’ Salmon is the restaurant where they all work. It is owned by retired boxing heavyweight champion Cleon Salmon who lives an extravagant lifestyle. It turns out that he owes the Yakuza twenty-thousand dollars after losing a bet on Japanese Albino hunting, so he’s bullying the weak-willed restaurant manager Rich Parente (Kevin Hefferman) into pushing the wait staff to bring in the money by the end of the night or Rich is going to feel the wrath of the champ’s fists.

For a lot of people, Broken Lizard may never be able to top Super Troopers but I’ve found that the more times I watch a Broken Lizard film the funnier it gets. I have the same viewing relationship with Ben Stiller’s directorial efforts like Zoolander and most of Amy Heckerling’s movies.

The first time I watched Slammin’ Salmon, I didn’t get a whole lot of thrills out of it, the jokes weren't clicking with me; but after giving it a second chance, I enjoyed it much more, and even more the third time. A big laugh-getter is Michael Clarke Duncan as Cleon. His grammar is hilariously flawed, he’s oblivious to common decency, and treats everyone like crap. He’s a wickedly funny character.

Another surprise is one of my favorite actors, Lance Henriksen, provides a cameo playing Dick Lobo; a television show creator and producer who hired one of the waiters, Connor (Steve Lemme), to be the lead role in his latest detective series because of his larger than life nose, but Connor was killed off after two episodes after receiving a nose job to reduce the size of it. I have always wanted to see Lance Henriksen verbally shred someone and my dream came true in this movie.

The rest of the staff stars Jay Chandrasekhar as the schizophrenic Nuts. If he forgets to take his med, he transforms into the insane Zongo. Eric Stolhanske plays Guy, an obnoxious playboy. Paul Soter plays dysfunctional twin brothers – the psychotic Dave and the humble Donnie. I wasn’t too keen on these guys doing two movies in a row where there are twin brothers, but it worked out just fine in both Beerfest and in Slammin’ Salmon.

The guys are accompanied by two waitresses – Mia, a ballerina in training, played by April Bowlby and the g-g-gorgeous Cobie Smulders who plays Tara the med student.

This is the first Broken Lizard film not directed by Jay Chandrasekhar; instead Kevin Heffernan took the reigns and did a fine job.

It took some time but Slammin’ Salmon became a ribald treat that I haven’t grown tired of. Michael Clarke Duncan stole the show for me, Lance Henriksen pulled off a great cameo, and the Broken Lizard gang kept bringing the funny.

Nick of Time - Movie Review

In 1995, Johnny Depp was already famous and a respected actor, but he wasn’t a movie star yet – he was still just an actor; one of my favorite secret treasures. Then along came the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and suddenly Johnny Depp was popular and desirable to an entirely newer, larger generation, and his respect and accolades as a great actor were also elevated.


When I first watched Nick of Time in the theater in 1995 I thought it was as close to a Tom Clancy type of story as Johnny Depp would probably ever get, but now with endless star power Tom Clancy might just be thinking of something specifically for Johnny Depp.

In Nick of Time, a recently widowed Gene Watson (Johnny Depp) has arrived in Los Angeles with his six-year-old daughter Lynn (Courtney Chase). They took the train from San Diego where they were attending the funeral for Gene’s wife and Lynn’s mother. Before they exit the terminal they are pulled aside by two government agents – Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones – who ask for his identification and then escort him to a parked van outside. Once inside the van, Gene is informed by Mr. Smith (Christopher Walken) that he is responsible for carrying out a murder at a hotel and if he does not perform this task within the next ninety minutes, a very trigger-happy Ms. Jones (Roma Maffia; Nip/Tuck) will kill six-year-old Lynn. After some abusive influencing by Mr. Smith, Gene agrees to the dreadful deed. He is supplied with a sealed envelope containing the identity of the future victim and a revolver.

Every time Gene buckles under stress and attempts heeding the aid of anyone willing to listen, Mr. Smith appears from out of nowhere, seeming practically five feet away at all times and losing patience. After arriving at the hotel, during a morbidly coincidental moment Gene discovers that he has been sent to kill the Governor of California Eleanor Grant. Luckily, Gene does find someone willing to believe him yet reluctant to help; a shoe-shiner and ex-army veteran named Huey (Charles S. Dutton; Roc), and Gene does need all the help he can get when he finds out that Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones are not working alone, and their accomplices could be anyone anywhere inside that hotel.

Nick of Time feels like director John Badham (WarGames) is doing his best Hitchcock impersonation with mystery men appearing from thin air, the simple plot but complexity of the situation and the characters involved, which the script by Patrick Sheane Duncan (Mr. Holland’s Opus) provides the basis for. The film is steadily paced, but sometimes the tension isn’t tense enough; like someone took a misstep on to the mountain ridge five seconds before the rickety bridge collapses thousands of feet instead of one second. The actors make this movie better than it might be. Johnny Depp turns in his usual thespian goodness, especially because I believe this is the least dynamic character he has ever played which is exactly what the story called for. Instead, he lets Christopher Walken take the reigns of awkwardness with a mindset of malice fueling his desire to complete the mission. As a large fan of both actors it was a treat to see them working closely together for a large portion of the film. Charles Dutton turns in his typical, proud everyman performance but I haven’t ever seen him turn in a bad performance. Roma Maffia as Ms. Jones plays my kinda gal. She had no qualms over venting little Lynn’s skull with a bullet and was ready to kick and kill anyone’s ass that annoyed her. And Courtney Chase was such an adorable six-year-old girl. She was so cute, even when the barrel of the gun was pointed at her head.

Nick of Time is not one of Johnny Depp’s more notable films, but it tells a good story at a consistent pace but with inconsistent tension; however the actors involved save it from imploding, and it was a personal treat seeing Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken share the screen.

Batman: Under the Red Hood - Movie Review

Batman: Under the Red Hood is the latest in DC’s animated straight-to-dvd releases. This story is adapted by Judd Winick from his time on the regular Batman comic book series which brought back to the DCU Jason Todd – the second Robin who killed by The Joker. The animation is loosely inspired by Dustin Nguyen’s excellent artwork from the same story, while the movie is directed by DC animation regular and long-time animation director Brandon Vietti (Batman:Brave & the Bold, Superman/Doomsday).


In this story, Gotham City has a new vigilante in town with a familiar name – The Red Hood, which the Joker (John Di Maggio; Futurama) admits in this movie to having used that moniker in a previous life. However, this vigilante doesn’t practice the same honorable methods that Batman does. The Red Hood (Jensen Ackles; Supernatural) has no qualms about killing and controlling crime rather than stopping it because he knows crime in Gotham will never end, and the current Gotham kingpin – Black Mask (Wade Williams) – is taking the biggest hit in business because of this new/old face. So, after several fruitless attempts to kill him on his own, Black Mask’s desperation leads him to strike a deal with Gotham’s own devil – The Joker. All he wants him to do is kill Red Hood, but with The Joker you are always guaranteed to get more than you bargained for.

Batman (Bruce Greenwood) has his own interests invested in Red Hood’s identity because every time they encounter one another, there seems to be a rising familiarity about whom this person is; from their fighting style to the personal knowledge that the Red Hood knows about Batman and Brue Wayne. All of the evidence suggests the unthinkable – that Batman’s greatest failure may have formed into a living, breathing, trigger-happy ghost by the name of Jason Todd; the only sidekick that died while serving under Batman’s supervision, and died at the hands of The Joker.

Aided by Nightwing (Neil Patrick Harris), even though he doesn’t want to be, Batman searches for clues as to who this Red Hood is and if there is any possibility that it could in fact be Jason. His search leads them to a fight with an Amazo android and takes Batman to the lair of Ra’s Ah Ghul (Jason Isaacs) and of course, to a confrontation with both the Red Hood and The Joker.

Batman: Under the Red Hood is heavy on the action and it is animated quite well. Every punch, kick, slam, and acrobatic assault comes out clearly. The voice-acting is fine; I feel that a lot of fans might take issue with Di Maggio’s interpretation of The Joker as he seems to be slightly more refined and less hysterical than previous incarnations, but I got used to it and even felt him channeling Mark Hammil’s version towards the end. Given more opportunities I think John Di Maggio would make an excellent Joker all around, but I’ll have to settle for a weekly dose of Bender on Futurama. To me, the standout was Neil Patrick Harris. Even though I knew he was playing Nightwing, hearing him act it out was a very cool experience; it rarely sounded like his own voice at all and fit Nightwing quite well.

Having read all of the stories that were involved in bringing this moment in Batman’s life to fruition, the changes made for the animated movie were understandable and didn’t detract from the viewing experience in any way, and although it is explained – the emotional and psychological toll that Jason’s death took on Batman/Bruce Wayne, I wouldn’t have minded a little snippet showing just how close Batman came to crossing that line he swore he never would, but really I have nothing to complain about. Batman: Under the Red Hood is a finely adapted tale about an important part of Batman’s life and is not at all a bad time-killer, and for the die hard fans; maybe, eventually a worthy purchase.

CIty Island - Movie Review

City Island is the latest New York tale from writer/director Raymond De Felitta. Most of his films pertain to the complexities and social awkwardness of families living in New York, particularly the Bronx, and City Island is no different.


The movie takes place in City Island, a small fishing village in the Bronx. The story revolves around a correction’s officer named Vince Rizzo (Andy Garcia), the co-head of a family so dysfunctional you start wondering what makes yours so terrible. He has an emotional landmine as his wife- Joyce (Julianna Marguiles); a snarky, hormonally evolving teenage son – Vince jr. (Ezra Miller), and the college girl secretly turned stripper – Vivian (Dominik Garcia-Lorido).

Vince’s opening monologue is up front and honest about the film’s theme; secrets. Everyone has them, and everyone has that one deep secret, the secret that could change lives, and everyone in the Rizzo family has their own. Vivian hasn’t told her family about losing her college scholar ship and turning to stripping to pay for her education. Vince jr. hasn’t told anyone about his fetish for big, plump women and his infatuation with the big, bodacious beauty across the street. Joyce hasn’t told Vince that she doesn’t believe him when he says he’s going to playing poker, and that’s because Vince is not playing poker – he’s attending acting classes. And no one in the family is willing to confess to anyone else in the family that they smoke.

Vince’s desire to become an actor is not his big secret. One day at work he notices a convict in his mid-twenties with a familiar last name – Tony Nardella – and immediately Vince knows exactly who Tony (Steven Strait) is. Tony is the son Vince abandoned a different lifetime ago, before Tony was ever born, and whom he has never told anyone in his family about. Tony’s eligibility for parole requires that he be released to a family member, but the only family he knew was an abusive mother – the pregnant, psychotic lover that Vince left all those years ago, and she has since died. Vince decides to assume responsibility for Tony’s release and takes him home, convincing him that he’s there only to help Vince build a bathroom in the boatshed for his wife.

Soon, after witnessing outlandish arguments amongst the family, and discovering everyone’s secrets, Tony starts thinking that life in prison wasn’t half as bad as being stuck with these people.

Emily Mortimer plays Tanya, Vince’s acting partner, motivator, and sole confidante who has a secret of her own that she will share with Vince, but only at the right time. The always entertaining Alan Arkin has a small role as the acting coach Michael Malakov and aside from verbally bashing Vince’s favorite actor, Marlon Brando, he is really underused, but considering the story was trying to tell – it may have been a struggle to fit him in anywhere else.

City Island is a funny, passionate, emotional rollercoaster ride from beginning to end. You see the Rizzo’s marriage falling apart bit by bit, and with Tony now involved in their lives you understand what could happen and even if it does happen you still find yourself laughing at the whole situation. With the two children, most of the time you feel like slapping them but at least Vince jr. comes back with humor and shows his weak link when it comes to talking to the kinds of girls he prefers – Vivian comes across as more of a dying fish that’s beached on the ocean. She just needs to be picked up and tossed back in order to be alright, but the scene at the dinner table discussing her curiously, still-enlarging chest parts is gut-busting. And this is the most that I have enjoyed Andy Garcia in a very long time. His comedic timing is excellent while shifting between dramatic moments at the drop of a hat. Great acting combined with a meaningful, well-told story make City Island worthwhile viewing.

Robin Hood (2010) - Movie Review

Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe reunite once more to bring us something that absolutely no one asked for – another Robin Hood interpretation. However, this particular story talks about the man before the legend was created, back when he was not Robin Hood but Robin Longstride, an archer in the army of King Richard Coeur de Lion (Danny Huston) caught in the midst of war with the French.


After the king dies in battle, Robin and his three followers Will Scarlett, Alan-a-Dale and Little John, (Scott Grimes, Alan Doyle, Kevin Durand) abandon the war and try to return home. Along the way they find an ambushed platoon of English soldiers who were in charge of returning the slain king’s crown back to England. Among these soldiers is a dying Sir Robert Loxley who is attempting to right a wrong that he felt he committed against his father – stealing his blind father’s sword before leaving for battle. Sir Robert makes Robin promise to return the sword to his father, Sir Walter Loxley (Max Von Sydow).

To gain voyage on the ship back to England, the rogue quartet disguise themselves as English soldiers; Robin Longstride assumes the identity of Sir Robert Loxley.

With King Richard dead, his miserly son, Prince John (Oscar Isaac) takes control of England and begins leveling outrageous taxes amongst all the citizens, and if they cannot pay they are banished or killed. Prince John’s – now King John’s ravenous reign stretches into to desolate village Nottingham where Robin and his crew have returned to fulfill Robin’s vow to Sir Robert. When he does so, Robin meets Marion Loxley (Cate Blanchett), now Sir Robert’s widow. She takes him to meet Sir Walter. After hearing the news of the death of his son, Sir Walter hatches a plan – in order so that the family will not lose their land, Robin must continue to portray himself as Sir Robert, and if he does so, Sir Walter will tell Robin about the father that Robin says abandoned him when he was only a child.

Soon, Robin sees what King John is doing to the people of England, so he gathers his friends and slowly the legend of Robin Hood starts to rise, culminating in one last battle against an invading French army.

It took several years and even more script revisions for this film to happen. Originally, Ridley Scott had intended for the Sherriff of Nottingham to use primitive detective skills in order to bring down Robin Hood. Russell Crowe had even mentioned wanting to play both the Sherriff and Robin Hood, but after so many rewrites and interference from Universal Pictures, what finally made it to the big screen was an entertaining action-adventure film. It did not have the “epic” feel that perhaps Gladiator did, but script bared no empty space and the whole cast delivered lustrous performances for their explosive characters. There was a moment when I wondered if I was going to be getting out of the theater any time soon, and I also wondered how unattractive the other women in Nottingham must have been if Cate Blanchett was the best that Robin Longstride could settle for, but luckily the film picked itself back up and once again harnessed my complete interest. It was time well spent and a good movie to lose one’s self in.

Arsenic and Old Lace - Movie Review

The movie Arsenic and Old Lace is a comedy based on a play by Joseph Kesselring. The film version is directed by legendary filmmaker Frank Capra who is responsible for other classics such as It’s a Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and one of my personal favorites – Meet John Doe. The screenplay was co-written by Julius J. Epstein and his twin brother Philip G. Epstein, both of whom were also responsible for the screenplay version of Casablanca.


The story centers on a drama critic and playwright, Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant; North by Northwest) who has returned to his childhood home in Brooklyn, New York where he has agreed to marry his long-time sweetheart, Elaine Harper (Priscilla Lane; the Four Daughters trilogy), despite Mortimer's best-selling book revolves around the negative aspects of being in an intimate relationship.

 When the happy couple stops by the Brewster home occupied by his two aunts and his younger brother Teddy, Mortimer discovers a few things; that his brother Teddy is threatening to be arrested by the local police for blowing his bugle at the most improper times. Mortimer soon realizes that Teddy is in fact delusional, believing himself to be Teddy Roosevelt, and is need of being committed.

Another discovery Mortimer makes while in the Brewster home – there is an elderly man’s corpse inside the window seat, bringing Mortimer to suspect Teddy of murder, but when he brings it to the attention of his two aunts – Abby and Martha – they confess to killing not just one elderly man, but an entire dozen; all of them buried in their basement by Teddy. The aunts claim that all of these elderly men were lonely and sick, and that they were cheerfully doing them an honorable service by poisoning them with wine so that the men would finally find peace.

And that is simply the beginning of Mortimer’s troubles. Soon, there are visitors arriving to look at the rooms for rent that are almost poisoned by the aunts. Mortimer is too distracted to pay any attention to Elaine, so she begins having doubts about their relationship. Mortimer is trying to get the blame for the murders placed on Teddy because he loves his Aunts to much to send them to prison, but to have Teddy committed to the Happydale Asylum Teddy himself needs to sign the papers, which he will not do. Then, to make the worst of a bad situation, Moritmer’s older brother Jonathan (Raymond Massey) returns with a new, horrific face and his assistant who is really his plastic surgeon Dr. Einstein (Peter Lorre; Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon). Jonathan has been running around the United States committing murders of his own and once he discovers unfilled graves in the basement, he’s happily enticed to commit on more murder – his dear brother Mortimer, whom Jonathan has hated their entire lives.

Arsenic and Old Lace is a film where the entire cast is running around frantically, acting over the top with their silliness and quick witted with their zingers. This is Frank Capra having a vacation at work watching Cary Grant exert his frustrations through actions fans of the Three Stooges would be proud of while slowly and humorously descending into the madness that surrounds his whole family. Raymond Massey applies a great dastard and gothic demeanor, matching his character’s mangled face, and his feral reactions to anyone that says he looks like Boris Karloff are outrageous, while Peter Lorre once again does best as the humble, slightly disturbed sidekick.

Arsenic and Old Lace is fun-time viewing from start to finish bringing and intellectual comedic light to a subject so morbid, very few modern filmmakers could pull off something so funny without being tempted to sink into the gutter, but those were different days with different principles back in 1944. Still, it’s nice to go back to the days of fast thinkers and gut-busting one-liners. That’s one of the greatest things movies offer us; a chance to go back in time.

Max - Movie Review

Max tells the story of Max Rothman, possibly the last man standing between the Adolf Hitler that could have been and the Adolf Hitler that history has shown us. Max Rothman is an art dealer living in Germany, having recently returned from the trenches of World War I where he lost his right arm in battle.


During the evening of an art show, Max encounters a scrawny, nervous young man who says he is an artist. Max looks at his portfolio and sees potential, but no passion. He asks the young man if he could paint some more, tapping deeper into his sub-conscious to unleash this fragile passion. The young man agrees. Max asks his name – Adolf Hitler, the man replies.

At this time, Corporal Adolf Hitler has also just returned from fighting in the First World War, but where Max returned to family and wealth, Hitler returned to and empty bunk. He has no family, no home, and the only money he earns is from the German army which he claims is the only reason he remains with them – they pay his expenses. However, where Max sees an inspiring artist, the German army – namely Captain Mayr - sees someone whose true artistic grace is politics; to sway the minds of people with his voice instead of a paintbrush.

Thus, in order to earn more money, Hitler decides to follow orders and begins orating for the German Army, crying out against the Jews even though Hitler admits to admiring them for keeping their blood pure; fornicating and marrying only within their own race, and praising them for being hard workers all the while baring his true convictions to Max Rothman who keeps trying to convince Hitler to continue painting, even buying pieces on consignment out of pity.

Max Rothman is one of John Cusack’s better performances, because he has always been a good, popular actor but never one that has been considered an Oscar contender. That’s never stopped him from being one of my personal all-time favorites, but this time he steps further outside of himself more than he normally does. Noah Taylor (Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky) does an excellent job as a young, querulous Adolf Hitler; though he may not have the complete physical look of the man he does execute well the mannerisms and verbal tirades that the world is familiar with.

Max is a small film that, like most fact-based films, changes truth and manipulates history to better serve the Hollywood story. But it is a movie that challenges ideals – friendship and war, passion and complacency. Max and Hitler are polar opposites whose only common link is art. Max is a confident free spirit who is willing to bend the rules of marriage with a mistress while Hitler is an insecure cynic on the verge of an emotional breakdown with the drop of a single tree leaf, and despite Max Rothman’s best attempts we all know that the leaf indeed did fall, breaking the artist and creating the monster.

Predators - Movie Review

After two substandard attempts in bringing the biggest and baddest on-screen aliens together in Aliens vs. Predator and the worse Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, the attention finally shifts back solely to one of them – the Predator species.

Predators is an attempt to relaunch the franchise while serving as a sequel. This installment finds eight strangers of various military and socially violent backgrounds mysteriously transported to a planet. None of them aware how they arrived, simply awakening in freefall strapped to a parachute

After the awkward introductions and established suspicions of each others intentions, the group sees no choice other than to band together with Royce (Adrien Brody), a rogue mercenary leading the way, although he has no qualms over anyone not wanting to follow his command and are more than welcomed to go their own way.

During the trek trough the cryptic jungle, the group continues finding signs of life either long dead or on the prowl; totems, cages, but each clue leads only to further confusion. Once the crew makes it to an elevated mountain range it becomes evident that they are no longer on Earth. Then, after a brief skirmish with fierce alien beasts established in the role of hunting dogs, the group realizes that they are not lost, they are prey.

Predators takes its source material primarily from the first film, even directly acknowledging it at one point and then subtly in over a half-dozen shout outs within the script and scenes. The cast is made up of the usual filters for killing and the main players. The more notable names are Adrien Brody, the gorgeous Alice Braga (Redbelt, Repo Men), Topher Grace (best known for That 70’s Show, unfortunately known as Venom/Eddie Brock from Spiderman 3), Laurence Fishburne (Hoodlum, C.S.I.) who plays a survivor from a previous hunt, Danny Trejo, and the up and coming Walton Goggins who played Shane on The Shield and will be seen in more television shows and films in the months to come.

Predators tries to revive the magic that made the first film such a success, unfortunately it does not help that the movie travels like these lost, meandering killers – at a snail’s pace. The movie reestablishes what the Predators are and how they hunt, which may prove useful to newcomers to the series but for those of us that are already familiar with the creatures it can prove to be a drawback as it was for me. I nearly dozed off several times and even hoped that I would need to use the restroom soon.

There are only two new pieces of information about the Predators revealed in the film, one is a hunting tool and the other relates to the evolution and customs of their species; other than that, there is just a lot of empty space in between the limited, poorly filmed action sequences. There are some twists and turns amongst the relationships within the group but instead of building them up through character development, they are used simply as shock treatments and don’t really add any meat to a thin script.

With Robert Rodriguez putting only co-producing this movie and moving the production from Fox Studios to his own Troublemaker Studios to have more creative control, he may have been better off undertaking the film completely, which was the original plan back in the late-90’s. Ridley Scott is hoping to return glory to the Alien franchise with a couple of prequels. Here’s hoping for some light at the end of a continuously disappointing tunnel, and hoping there’s no parachute-less freefall at the end of it.

Funny People - Move Review

Funny People was brought to us by Judd Apatow himself - written and directed – during the cooling off period of Apatow-mania. This film was described by Apatow as a “passion project,” and is based on moments in real life experiences from him and comedians.



Adam Sandler plays highly successful comedian/movie star George Simmons. He has gained all the luxuries that life could possibly offer someone of his career status but is thrown a harsh reality check when a trip to the doctor’s office shatters his entire world. He is diagnosed with a distinct, surely incurable blood disease.


After soaking in the news, he decides he wants to return to standup comedy on a regular basis. During an impromptu appearance where his grim attitude is beginning to show in his stage material, he meets upcoming comedian and George Simmons fan - Ira Wright (Seth Rogen). Ira is the farthest behind in the standup game; still working at a deli shop and sleeping on the foldout couch in the apartment rented out by his two friends Leo (Jonah Hill) and Mark (Jason Schwartzman). Leo’s standup career is slightly further along than Ira’s and Mark is already starring in his own high-school sitcom that all of his friends find painfully unfunny and degrading. It’s a low-grade mockery of Head of the Class.


Once Ira goes on stage he takes shots at the seemingly grim George Simmons and then has a fate-filled meeting with him afterwards in the parking lot where George complements Ira on his material and then tries to mow him down with his truck. The next day, Ira finds himself working as Simmons’ assistant, joke-writer, and all-day-insult-taker.


Eventually, George opens up to Ira about the disease and hopes that Ira will keep it a secret while George comes to terms with it himself and the people he knows best, which are not many because after he found success he did everything possible to alienate all of his loved ones away, including his ex-girlfriend Laura, whom he lost by being unfaithful. But once she finds out about the disease, they suddenly start rekindling some form of a relationship despite Laura already being married to a business executive, Clarke (Eric Bana) and having two daughters. Needless to say, here comes trouble.


Adam Sandler’s performance is good if not for the redundant granny voice routine. Rogen’s character is more innocent than any other role he’s taken and he plays it well, especially when it comes to being clueless about women. What I really liked is that Erica Bana doesn’t hide his Australian accent, and I wish Hollywood would allow these foreign actors to stop faking an American one, even though most of them are great at it while others like Gerard Butler make for great spoofing material on sketch comedy shows.


Funny People starts off strong and tries to be an emotional rollercoaster. There are many amusing and laughable moments throughout the film, including Eminem cursing out Ray Romano and Ira’s breakdown in front of George in a public restaurant, but once the film hits the middle – it doesn’t necessarily fall apart, but the story just isn’t as good anymore. It flames out and doesn’t care to be reignited, and then it keeps going and going and going, becoming one of those films that should have ended when it had the chance.

Observe and Report - Movie Review

Observe and Report is a film that came out at the apex of Judd Apatow and his crew's power hour in Hollywood. This movie was written and directed by an Apatow regular from behind the camera – Jody Hill. He wrote and directed several episodes of Eastbound and Down and directed The Foot the Fist Way, both of which are starring vehicles for Danny McBride who has a cameo in Observe and Report.



This movie stars Seth Rogen as Ronnie Barnhardt; a bi-polar, medicated, mall security guard. He is obsessed with honoring the ideals of truth and justice at just about any cost. Meanwhile, he’s trying to win the affections of whom he considers the prettiest girl in the mall – the dull-witted, and whole lot of little bit slutty Brandi, played by Anna Faris of Scary Movie infamy; even though the girl in the wheelchair working at the cookie stand, Nell (Collette Wolfe) hints to Ronnie that she likes him. Ronnie also enjoys harassing his self-labeled mall terrorist Saddamn, played by Aziz Ansari.


There is a flasher running around Ronnie’s mall, showing off his nasty bits and pieces to all the pretty ladies and Brandi becomes his latest victim, sending Ronnie and his misfit crew on a mission to bring down the elusive pervert. Also, there has been a string of robberies from stores in the mall, so now the police become involved on both cases, opening an investigation led by Detective Harrison played by Ray Liotta (Goodfellas), a no-nonsense detective who could really care less about the pervert and is more interested in the robberies. Through him Ronnie finds inspiration and tries to become a police officer while getting on Detective Harrison’s nerves and there is nothing better, more offensive – meaning funnier – than a pissed off Ray Liotta, which is what Detective Harrison is.


Observe and Report is comedy at its darkest. Ronnie Barnhardt is an intense character that is as violent as he is amusing. Some of the funnier moments happen when Ronnie is at home, nursing his alcoholic mother well-played by movie veteran Celia Weston. Chances are you’ve seen her in a movie or television show at some time, you just don’t know which one but it’ll come to you later.


Ronnie’s co-workers are funny as well; the gun-happy, heavyset Asian twins John Yuen and Matt Yuen, played by John Yuan and Matt Yuan. Yes, you read that correctly. Also helping Ronnie is the drug-loving, thrill-riding Dennis, played insanely by Michael Pena, another movie and television veteran. Trust me, you’ve seen him before. In Observe and Report, he delivers one of his most memorable performances and provides a hilarious, eye-opening moment in the middle of the film.


Seth Rogen once again plays the loveable loser, only now the loveable loser doesn’t see himself as a loser at all and might not be so loveable to all audiences because his love for justice is a passion so intense, blood will be shed. One moment best representing his convictions comes when Nell’s manager (Patton Oswalt) and her co-worker are making fun of her, forcing Nell to tears in front of Ronnie, forcing Ronnie to go OFF on both of them. Ronnie’s also not afraid to tase mall employees or trade racially facetious dialogue with Saddamn; which left me laughing long after the scene was over.


Observe and Report is not a movie that everyone will like or maybe even understand, but for those that enjoy the sadistic side of comedy this is a movie that might appeal to them. It did to me, and some of my friends might even say there’s a bit of Double Barrel in it. He’s a nice guy. I hope you all get to meet him some day.

Double Barrel Reviews Surrogates

A flick that proves what lazy pieces of shit human beings really are and have yet to become.

Some folks invent the Surrogates, which are cyborgs initially created for military purposes but then get optioned out to the general public, which finds the movie poking fun at the current state of modern medical technology - you know lasic surgery was available over a decade before your next door opthamologist started marketing sports figures and phone call discounts to lure you in - and suddenly somebody important to the Surrogate technology is murdered when he's screwing some whore through his Surrogate - because, let's face it; nothing gets done until somebody White and important to something dies, but in the technological world of Surrogates, that is incapable of happening - meaning there's a brand new weapon on the loose.

So, the Die Hard guy and his blonde, cougar sidekick are in charge of solving the case, but during the whole ordeal, Hudson Hawk's Surrogate is badly damaged, so - God forbid - he actually has to experience life for himself, which is the message he spreads out to everyone else, including his wife whome he feels so disconnected to lately. Hmmmm; wonder why?

The fick is based off the graphic novel, which is a nice way of saying "comics for grown ups," and it wasn't even a graphic novel, it was a multi-part mini-series, but since it got collected into a trade paperback (tpb), it is now considered a graphic novel. Anywho, the whole paper strip thing was written by Robert Venditti, drawn by Brett Weldele, and the flick was made by who-gives-a-damn....RENT IT, and wait until it's, like, $.99 or something. I mean, I love THE BRUCE - LOVE THE BRUCE, but the entire message of the film had me squeezing my beverage more out of stress relief than for excitement because all this film did was remind me about how selfish, languid, and pathetic human beings can really be.

Gotta go; neighbor's bitching about a flaming arrow shot through his front door - not that I know anything about that or the crap he keeps dumping in the no-dump zone of the alley. Peace, and get laid - - soon.

Shut This Off! A Warning to Entertainment Politics Rookies

I'm tired of movie reviewers suggesting that people "shut their brains off" when they watch a certain film if they want to enjoy it. What kind of cop-out is that? Just say it - The movie sucks! Because, gawd forbid I piss and shit all over myself while watching any overrated Shrek film because I had to "shut my brain off," in order to enjoy it. Then, all that makes me is the guy that peed and soiled his pants during the overrated Shrek film.

I could easily urinate and defecate myself while watching the Transformers movies, but that's only because they are so mind-numbingly stupid, they cause a glitch in your synaptic gap, ceasing control over your bodily functions, but I know exactly when to piss because sometimes I can't go in the bathroom, but all I have to do is think about Megan Fox - not because I want to have sex with her, I'd just like to piss on her - and Diablo Cody - and Ellen Page - and Stephanie Meyers. Again, please note: I do not want to have sex with these women. I just want to give'em a good ole frustration urination bath. And when I have trouble removing a hefty, bowel biscuit from my intestines, I just think of good old Shia and all the films he's helped turn to crap and everything he has not accomplished to become so successful.

Tell me to shut my brain off again; I'll gladly do it standing over your keyboard bludgeoned, unconscious, pathetic excuse for a writer's body while I think long and hard about those Transformers movies after I've eaten the entire left-side of Taco Bell's menu and spent three hours tossing back liquor with an Irish soccer team.

Assassins - Movie Review

Assassins takes us into the post-Cold War era of the arms race where there are too many weapons floating around and more than enough mercenaries and private militias willing to acquire them and use them for their own personal, which usually also means “financial” gains. The only person that seems to want out of the business is the best militia-artist of them all – Robert Rath (Sylvester Stallone; Rocky, Copland)


Robert Rath is tired of the killing trade and is looking for a way out; of course, in a business where secrecy is not just something upheld; it is something as common as the sky being blue, and Rath is involved in a business from which no one can just walk away.

Rath’s employers then hire Miguel Bain (Antonio Banderas; Mambo Kings, Original Sin) – a student of the assassination creed and a personal fan of Robert Rath. He is assigned a dream job – eliminate the top killer and become number one in the business.

Hindering everyone’s plans is a computer hacker known only as Electra (Julian Moore; Boogie Nights, Hannibal). She is supposed to be Rath’s last assignment, and the setup for Miguel Bain to kill both her and Rath. However, Rath is able to stay one step ahead of Bain reluctantly relying on Electra who is all too willing to return the reluctance, but Rath has an idea on how both of them can disappear without a trace if they can continue evading the crosshairs of Miguel Bain.

There is a lot of talent involved with this movie both in front and behind the camera. The movie was directed by Richard Donner of Superman and Lethal Weapon notoriety from a story pitched by the Wachowski brothers – of course; now, one brother and one sister (Bound, The Matrix trilogy), and a fun script penned by the then-two-brothers and Brian Helgeland (Payback, Man on Fire, 976-Evil).

The emotions of lost identity and hopes for escape are played well by Stallone and Moore as each one has ghosts in their closet that they know they will have to face, especially Stallone’s character whose ghost is a constant reminder of fate, where as Electra is his reminder of faith.

Antonio Banderas steals the show. At this point he was still breaking into the Hollywood game but had already made an exciting impact in Mambo Kings. In Assassins he tears loose as the anxious, wild-eyed assassin and doesn’t care who gets caught in the frenzy, and he looks like he enjoyed every moment of it.

Assassins is a well told, well paced action film with some scenes reminding you that there are human beings that just want to live a normal life because they don’t like what their real normality is, while there are others that get a kick out of living by causing misery to others; not to say that they don’t respect what others have accomplished, they are just tired of waiting for their time in the spotlight to come.

The Whip and the Body - Movie Review and Ode to Mario Bava

The Whip and the Body is a film that is usually outshined by its own director – Mario Bava. He is one of the most important directors in Italian cinema He began his movie career as a cinematographer in 1943 and then reigned supreme as the director to work for during the Golden Age of Italian horror in the 1960’s. His influence was felt globally.


Bava is credited with directing the first giallo film, The Girl Who Knew Too Much; his final black-and-white film which again showed his mastery of using shades and tones of a scene to influence the mood of a film. These talents would be taken to a new extreme with his second color film and second in the giallo genre, Blood and Black Lace. Every scene is a mobile, Technicolor painting, accenting the carnage or depressing the calm, and though this film as considered even more influential to future giallos than The Girl Who Knew Too Much, it was with The Whip and the Body that most critics claim as his masterpiece.

The Whip and the Body brought Mario Bava back to horror, but this was a unique type of horror film. This was a romantic tale for the macabre; a love story for sadists. The story brings Kurt Menliff (Christopher Lee; The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Dracula has Risen from the Grave) back to his family’s castle, wanting to congratulate his brother, Christian Menliff (Tony Kendall; Machine Gun McCain, Corleone) on his new found financial success, but no one believes Kurt for an instant. They all feel that he is there only to torment the family; especially his brother’s wife, who happens to be Kurt’s ex-lover, Nevenka (Dalia Lavi; The Demon, Some Girls Do). When Kurt abandoned the family before, Nevenka went into a depression that the household thought she would never recover from, but with Christian’s aid, she did, so they all feared that Kurt would attempt to claim her once again.

Unsurprisingly, Kurt and Nevenka do reprise their intimate relationship, because only Kurt knows Nevenka’s secret temptation. Nevenka is a sadist and is quickly aroused when she is abused, particularly with a whip; she even dreams at night about it and wakes up smiling. Once Kurt engages her in this romantically vicious game, Nevenka falls for him once more, but one day soon after, Kurt is murdered. While some of the household is concerned, and all are suspects for the murder, most of them seem thankful – until – Nevenka begins seeing Kurt’s ghost roaming around the castle, seeking vengeance on anyone that may have had a hand in his murder and still pursuing his gratuitous affair with her.

The cast does a fine job as everyone’s role seems to fit their best thespian features; Christopher Lee, playing the mischievously vile tormentor, and Daliah Lavi as a strong-willed, but overly passionate countess. The pacing is slow, but to grasp the haunted atmosphere aided by the tortured tenants, it works. The true star here, however, is Mario Bava’s directing. His cinematography is the finest orchestrated use of color that I personally could rival only to John Boorman’s Point Blank (1967). There is not a single wasted scene in either movie. Each frame of film is a carefully crafted neon-lit composition that would make for a fine tattoo to be poked on to someone’s drunken butt at a horror film festival, or a questionable treasure to be hung inside the snootiest of art museums.

The Whip and the Body is a fine film with excellent directing. The director will probably be forever known more than most of the movies he ever worked on, and that alone is a tribute to the heart and mind that Mario Bava gave to a genre that most movie-goers and film lovers would pass off as uniquely adorable or even silly, but Mario Bava treated it as serioiusly as Orson Welles would treat any of his mainstream, multiply paised films; and the fans of horror and of Mario Bava, past, present, and future, would and will appreciate his work one-hundred times more.

Bava influenced the master of giallo, Dario Argento and horror maestro John Carpenter, and even haunted positively the likes of Martin Scorsese and Ridley Scott. His film Kill, Baby, Kill….influenced the popular Japanese film genre, J-Horror. So, to say that Mario Bava had a hand in shaping the horror of today would be an understatement because he helped shape all movies of today.

Seeing Red - An Observation About Comics, Movies, Adaptations & Remakes

Being a fan of the 3-issue mini-series, Red, by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner, I was a bit disheartened to hear that it had been optioned by Summit Entertainment for a motion picture deal; but, that occurred around the time that my ideals towards cinematic adaptations were finalizing their maturation, plus, several Warren Ellis properties were being optioned or had already been optioned.

Global Frequency had it's probation-fire doused before even hitting television's airwaves, but it did find critical and sub-cultural commercial success via the internet. I did get to see it and, personally speaking, it was damn good and had all the potential in the world to be a fine series, but the budget-per-episode is what killed the show. Since then, Ocean and even Gravel have been optioned for either a movie or television deal.

With Red, though, there seemed to be a light at the end of the watered-down ketchup bottle. Bruce Willis became the lead of the film, although he still seemed too young in comparison to the Paul Moses of the comic book who is in his late-fifties, but when it comes to Hollywood, changes are inevitable for the sake of a dollar, especially considering that the original source material for Red could not possibly fill even a ninety minute feature film; so there was no doubt that the Hollywood puppets assigned to the movie would have to expand, even change the root of the source.

Once I saw the trailer for the Red feature film, I was immediately frustrated, and if I were the uptight comic-geek that I was - - not even three years ago, I would have thrown a fit, but I stated before, my ideals towards adaptations and remakes were changing, maturing; and I allowed myself to finish viewing the rest of the trailer, happy that the film was starring a handful of my favorite actors next to Bruce Willis - -Hellen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, and John Malcovich - and listening to the Hollywood script, it did seem attempting to channel some of Warren Ellis' unapologetic brevity. And for these qualities, I am looking forward to the film even though I cringed during those first few seconds of watching the trailer, knowing that these bastards had butchered an already well-told-tale. The tone of the original mini-series and the tone of the movie are as far apart as oil and water, but it doesn't mean that both stories cannot be and are not good ones.

I have read the Red mini-series, enjoying it to no end, and even though the movie will be nothing like the comic I still look forward to being entertained by the film, because as the multiverse continues to reveal and explain itself; what is good for one culture, one era, one medium, doesn't always make itself so relatable to the next medium; which is one reason why this recent uprising in remakes and reboots of fan-favorite films isn't so hurtful. Comic books have been rewriting their super heroic characters' origins for nearly eight decades - - eighty fuckin' years - - and Hollywood has been remaking/rebooting their films for almost an entire century, but Hollywood movies were accepted into households and adult lives far quicker than comics. Right now, it is the year 2010, and comic books are just beginning to be accepted into the main stream of pop culture; loyal followers are just now feeling courageous enough to read a comic book, particularly a superhero comic, in public without fear of complete ridicule, because there will always be a lingering sense of a lower social ranking, but only with an open mind can anyone know where to stand on top when it comes time to watch the rest of the world collapse and burn.

Consider This the Ribbon

For some reason, any reason, whatever reason; I don't care - when it comes to birthdays, the best gift that I've ever been able to give is a poem. It started back in high school and has since sustained its usefulness.

Today, a great comrade (yeah, that's exactly what she wants to be called - SHUT IT, Yyyyoooouuuu) marks another notch in her mortality belt, and this is my gift to thee...

Sleep to rest; dream if so lucky,
For at times the morning sun may seem a vex,
But a dream is a treasure to those aware
That they are now breathing their last breaths.

......Blow out the fuckin' candles already.

Doghouse - Movie Review

Doghouse is the latest in a long line of zombie-inspired films, this one coming out of England. This one is brought to us by director Jake West, who gave us the largely unheard of splatter-masterpiece that was Evil Aliens; and writer Dan Schaffer, best known for the underground comic book favorite, Dogwitch.


In Doghouse, Vince (Stephen Graham) is a recent divorcee having difficulty adjusting to his lonely situation. So, six of his friends decide to take him to the countryside to a village called Moodley, where the female population outnumbers the male population 3:1; much like colleges in North America.

The men are taken to the village by bus, driven by an attractive woman named Candy. Warning signs emerge a dead sheep is found, blocking the road to Moodley, which Candy and Neil (Danny Dryer) - the unapologetic misogynist of the group, move out of the way. Suddenly, everyone’s cell phones begin ringing, aggravating Neil since this is supposed to be a “boys’ weekend,” so he gathers everyone’s phones and stashes them away.

The group finds their way to Moodley only to discover that the village is void of all life until they begin encountering mutated women with a hankering for male flesh. In the midst of their ordeal, they run into Sergeant Gavin Wright (Terry Stone) who admits to being part of the British military division responsible for the mutations. And, once the group discovers the secret military base, linking them back to military headquarters, they realize that the mutations they have previously fought were just the first part of a larger mutation.

Any zombie-comedy, especially a British one, is going to be held up the standard set by Shaun of the Dead, and while Doghouse doesn’t reach the highest peaks set by it the film still holds its own when it comes to the funny and to the gore. Every insult man has ever hoped to drop on a woman is touched upon in the script, including blaming the virus on “bird-flu,” having a drink at a pub called “The Cock & Balls,” and battling the mutated mavens with not only remote control toy cars, and cross dressing, but a military device using sonar with pitch-ranges so high that only women can hear it. And, any way a man or a woman have ever wanted to butcher their girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, friend-with-benefits; most of them are covered in Doghouse.

Aside from that, Doghouse also shows that not all men are degenerate pigs and, while still upholding to some chauvinistic tendencies, there are nice guys that have been lumped into the general sum of the degenerate pigs that are the majority of the male population on Earth, which seems all too familiar to this writer.

Doghouse seems to accomplish the job set for it: Tell a humorous and charming tale about the conflicts between men and women, and how one can never fully appreciate the other, particularly when one becomes a murderous, cannibalistic creature. The trade of dialogue among the six friends really helps break the constant violent tension, showing the power of friendship, and makes the audience care a bit more when one the friends begin getting picked off by the mutants.

Doghouse is a worthy viewing, and whether it stands the test of time is something else, but in this modern era is definitely recommended. Plus, for people that have not already discovered Stephen Graham (Inkheart, Gangs of New York, Snatch), this is their chance to see him in a smaller film before hitting it really big when he plays Johnny Depp’s right-hand-man in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Chloe - Movie Review

At first glance, Chloe’s main star would look to be Amanda Seyfried (Jennifer’s Body), and sometimes being the main star doesn’t always mean having the most screen-time. Sometimes the main character is represented more as a force of nature trapped inside a human being.

David Stewart (Liam Neeson, Taken) misses his flight home on the night of his birthday. Catherine Stewart (Julianne Moore, A Single Man), is dismayed to find this out as she had spent significant time gathering all of his closest friends and co-workers together for a surprise birthday party. This proves to be another blow to their shaken marriage. Adding to her burden is their reclusive, moody, musically gifted son – Michael (Max Thieriot, Stay Cool), treating her like she is the immovable thorn in his sensitive side, completely disdained to any authority she feels entitled to.

The following morning, David is home and life is receding back to normalcy until a ringing cell phone picked up by Catherine from David’s bag reveals that David may not have missed his flight at all, but the spent the night out with a younger woman. Catherine’s suspicions get the best of her, so by chance she meets and hires Chloe. Catherine wants Chloe to bump into her husband, spend time with him, and report back the events that happen. The stories that Chloe recites equally enrage and entice Catherine, and she begins to experience a sexual longing that had been long forgotten. So, rather than confront David at first, she allows these feelings to intensify until finally, her frustrations erupt into one weak, emotionally charged moment with Chloe which Chloe mistakes for love, and Chloe will not be told to go away, or be bought off with money or gifts; she will find some way to be in Catherine’s life, at the cost of anyone else’s life.

Individually, the cast turns in worthy performances as Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore are often guaranteed to deliver something credible. Amanda Seyfried does seem like the outcast here and it works completely for her and her character. She is supposed to an outcast, someone thinking outside of the i-Phone obsessed, instantly gratified, impatient internet life. Her devious actions are nearly dismissed because of her beauty and innocence when she is onscreen, yet her damaging effects are everlasting when she is nowhere to be seen.

Chloe is a movie worth renting or catching at the dollar theater while you can. If you are a fan of any of the three main stars (Seyfried, Neeson, & Moore) it is definitely worth seeing, but Chloe – the film, isn’t anything we haven’t seen before, which isn’t so bad, but it isn’t mandatory viewing.

DB prematurely reviews Splice - Species meets Dirty Dancing. It gives "Eat a dick," a whole new meaning.

Bad Boys (1983) - Movie Review

Bad Boys hosts one of Sean Penn's earliest roles; at the very least, the first of his many feature films, and there are times when this movie almost feels like an afterschool special that were so prevelant in the 1980's, but there is enough foul language and effective violence to snap the viewer out of any such idea.

Sean Penn plays Mick O'Brien, a  teenage, wannabe street thug in Chicago that feels like he is on his way to the top. The only redeeming quality about himself is his girlfriend J.C. played by Ally Sheedy. Drossingly vying for her affections is Paco Moreno (Esai Morales), an up and coming drug runner who thinks he's a kingpin.

One evening, Mick attempts to rob Paco, but things go horribly wrong; Paco's younger brother ends up dead, accidentally because of Mick, and Mick gets sent to a juvenile prison while Paco is left out in the streets, thristing for vengeance, and he does what he needs to get it.

Anyone watching this film during its initial release could tell that Sean Penn was something special. They may not have been able to predict the "superstar" he was to become, but his talent grandly shows. The casting, overall, was perfect for this film from Penn and Morales to Clancy Brown as Viking Lofgren, the bully of the prison; even Jim Moody plays the perfect supervisor while Roman Herrera is exactly the kind of counselor one would expect to find in a place like the hell these young men place themselves in.

This movie is dated, but the emotions are not. For being so young, all of these young actors, some future stars, others future bit players, deliver great performances that will impress you and creep you out equally. The film was directed by Rick Rosenthal (Halloween II), and there is an old school easter egg hidden within the middle of the film that gives a shoutout to Halloween fans.

Bad Boys was a film that I wasn't expecting to keep thinking about days after I watched it, but I am; and while it is not the best piece of cinema, for the subject matter and the era it was made - the tone and violence were well ahead of their time.

Double Barrel on Movie Remakes and Sequels....and Those That Care

Remake, re-imagining, reboot, sequel; I have grown numb to all of these things. Hollywood can redo whatever the hell it wants. Do-overs have been part of the Hollywood staple since Hollywood's inception. Frankenstein was one of the first films ever made (1910); how many times in how many years has that been redone? I officially don't give a fuck.

Let Steven Soderbergh remake Citizen Kane for all I care - and right about now there will be dozens of trolls bashing, "WHAT?! TRAVESTY!" No, he's not - but if anyone did, I think he'd be the better choice - not the best one, just the better one. Because right now there are several generations that feel Citizen Kane is overrated anyway.

Remakes are easy to make, and easier to financially capitalize on, easier to sequelize, and the only difference between remakes, horror films, and horror film remakes are the budget; horror is monetarily cheap - and much like the music industry; anyone that says they aren't in it for the money are full of complete, narcassistic shit.

Blame comics for all I care. If comic books can get away with rehashing, re-thinking, and recreating someone's origin, or erasing someone's death just to sell a book, well guess who Hollywood's looking at for inspiration these days. If comics have been doing it for a near century, Hollywood has every right to tell its consumers to stick two fingers up their ass, straight into their wallets because you are either stupid or apathetic enough to pay for it.

You don't like it, don't watch it; otherwise, be prepared to Eat Hollywood Dick like the sadistic whore you are because they are not paying you to get yourself fucked in the ass with razorblade dildoes, you are paying them to fuck you in the ass with razorblade dildoes.

Just be thankful that the internet is around for you to vent your frustration for dozens of people to read, because there are millions more who don't give a damn about what you think .

....And guess who's one of those millions.

I Sell the Dead - Movie Review

I Sell the Dead is the story of two happy-go-lucky grave robbers, Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan) and Willie Grimes (Larry Fessenden) during the 19th century. The film is set in a prison after Arthur and Willie have been arrested for their crime, as Arthur recounts his and Willie's career to Father Duffy (Ron Perlman, Hellboy), who is interested in keeping these tales in print for his own personal collection.

As a young boy, Arthur learns the art of grave robbing from Willie, and the two form a unique bond that carries them over the years through poverty and a bevy of rascals.

They are painfully employed by Dr. Vernon Quint (Angus Scrimm, Phantasm) to dig up the dead so he may perform experiments on them. They are paid in cheap wages and threats of blackmail until one night, the dead body they exhume from the grave turns out to be rather undead. Then, they discover that there is a market for these kinds of beings with reclusive clients that are willing to pay more   money than either Willie or Arthur ever expected to see in their lifetimes.

 I Sell the Dead is a fun movie that harkens back to the gothic-horror legacies of the original Hammer Horror films mixing in with British humor. Director and writer Glenn McQuaid seems to be heavily influenced, visually, by Sam Raimi as there are scenes with the similar texture, reminiscent of Evil Dead 2 and even Drag Me to Hell.

Like most British horror, the pacing is slow allowing room for character development, and when the frights occur, they aim to shock, surprise, and humorously entertain the viewer. So, if you enjoy gore-soaked horror, this isn't the film for you, but if you like your mania witty and playful, this movie is worth a look.

Man-Whore Begins

Gwar - The Salaminizer

This song is an example of why music has always been fun for me. And the only reason I still listen to Gwar is because they've never failed to deliver an enjoyable live show, and when in the 7th grade my two-year-crush asked to borrow their albums. I warned her, told her she wouldn't like them. She didn't, but she gave'em a chance because they were different.

She was an unbelievabally beautiful person the last time I ran into her. She said she was happy, and that was good enough for me.

And after the first night I  ever saw Gwar; I remember only being at school - - Algebra 2 - flicking off what was, hopefully, pseudo-blood and pseudo-sperm from my shirt, pulling out flakey chunks of the concoctions from my hair.

DB & a Movie: X-Men Origins - Wolverine

I love this piece of shit. Why? Liev Schreiber and Hugh Jassman's monologue setting up the acme, and then his young-Brando exit with some James Cagney in the mix.

I love this film the way I love Ang Lee's Hulk; Nick Nolte's Shakespearian rant just before one of the crappiest slugfests in comic-book movie reality, and it has actors acting, although Wolverine also has rappers needing to talk less. I did get a kick out of Kevin Durand's Blob. Ryan Reynolds refuses to avoid every other movie I've seen for the past four years and I  now want to punch a midget-pimp that pimps midgets, or just pimps.

The movie's story is a mix of Watchmen and the first Superman film, including someone being naked in all three films. Why I know that is the only reason psychology majors are able to make money.

Christopher McQuarrie (Usual Suspects, writer) scripted the sequel. I've enjoyed all film things involving Christopher McQuarrie, plus he wrote/directed one of my favorite films - Way of the Gun with Ryan Phillipe punching the shit out of Sara Silverman and some intelligent criminals provided with wicked dialogue. 

Liev Schreiber is the shit. An excellent dickhead in Repo Men. Schreiber and Jackman make me enjoy this flick It's a guilty pleasure with a pleasant aftertaste post-wretching.

Doube Barrel @ the Movies: Book of Eli

Book of Eli was Denzel's segue into the comic book world. I have no idea what his personal take or history on comics are, but I know the Hughes Brothers are hooked - they directed Deppster in From Hell, adapting it from Campell's and Moore's likeable but challenging graphic novel. Book of Eli had the feeling of a back-to-basics approach for everyone involved, catching up with technology.

I can only speak for myself; personally, the story went to a variant of an expectation, leaving me wanting more chilli-cheese nachos.

Side Note: I had zero tolerance of Mila Kunis pre-70's Show; now.....putting it lightly, she was the only reason I didn't scalp my scrotum with a severed popsticle stick while watching Max Payne. And she's never been better, I think, than in Book of Eli. Still don't want to watch American Psycho 2. It still feels....dirty.

Listening for an Exit

I once had sex with a woman - - young(er) woman, because she reminded me of another woman: one of the few that I cared about, but this particular whisper had been thousands, even hundreds of thousands of miles away for over a decade, according to my functioning memory-relays. Our lives were not crossing paths, physically, any time soon and I had to download the memory of her through my cranial zip-drive - I wouldn't wanted to have explored living an existence without remembering her smell, her texture - her ideas.....her voice.

The reasons behind our attraction were rarely agreed yet never defined. We knew how to push each others' buttons and still come out laughing about it, and her only bio-enhancement was medically relevant unlike the rest of us that indulged in the body modification craze of 2013.
.........Wait, did I say "...still come out laughing." or   "still come out lacerated?"  This relationship shit is a tricky, mind-raping business

The Secret of Magic Canopy Street

There is a street that I sometimes use when the red light two blocks away and a trail of traffic convince me to make the turn instead of staying forward. It is a simple street; a routine route for those living on that road and for those living nearby or that hold jobs within the area.

The street is not the important part, however; the trees (some bright Hackberries, others melancholy Mesquites) on this street do something enchanting. All along the street, the opposing trees are parallel from one another; they have a counterpart on the other side that seems to be anxiously awaiting their touch. After decades of growth, hurricanes, lightning storms, heatwaves, cold fronts, and all other agrarian blitzkriegs that the Earth unleashes, and the waste stream that drunken men and quivering dogs unleashed, these trees have found their ways into each others arms, forming a beautiful canopy of nature; green and gray hovering over the worn, weary gravel, sanctifying the people and their homes.

Like every act of beauty, there are secrets behind the majesty. During the day, most folks leave for work while some cars remain parked in front of the houses. But at night, after nine-thirty in the evening, Magic Canopy Street is barren; no cars anywhere in sight, no lights on within any of the houses, and the only light signifying any life at all stems from the moonbeams stretching from the galaxy halo encircling the moon.

An uneasy, quixotic feeling blankets my insides every time I drive down Magic Canopy Street after nine-thirty at night. I know the names of everyone murdered on that street, in the last six years, right when the tree limbs began to touch, the last murder occured; and while the deaths have stopped, disappearences have not, so I wonder, as I drive down this dark, lifeless avenue, if other stranger things have not already begun.

Nooner Movie Reviews

Wolfman - enjoyed it. Far from perfect but still felt like an upgrade of the 50's. Needed more scares, but there was some nice action; the CGI gypsy bear was harsh, but this flick better CGI/live-action blends than most flicks.

Repo Men - laughed me arse off. Dug it quite a bit.

Hot Tub - nicccccce.

Imaginarium of Doctor...- I think the crowd wanted to see a deceased man acting more than the movie, but I was surprised by the turnout, pleased even; despite the draw being thespian zombies. Tom Waits was coolness, yet again. Terry Gilliam set a nice standard for himself, all things considered.